Needing a little peace inside, there are many issues that have been brought to my attention as I have been blogging.
You want/need answers, and many have asked me to define my own humanity.
This is fair, and I believe I owe a bit of explanation- At least as far as I will go on here.
Please also bear with me as this was long and a bit difficult to write- This has been weighing on my mind, and yes, I know I need to share.
So many questions from you! Can I ever be serious? Are you ever lonely? Are you compassionate? Where do I know you from? Are you harsh? Are you for real? Are you honest? Have you loved?
Many have asked, do I ever have a bad day?
And the answer is a firm resounding "YES!" I have lots of bad days- and bad things that have happened to me- But through this blog, I have chosen not to share most of the raunchy stuff.
I do try to see that proverbial water glass as half full- even though many have tried to dump the damned thing out on me- time and time again. Not possible Folks.
Short of murder and mayhem, there are not too many scenarios that I remain virgin to. (Robbing banks falls under mayhem). hehehe
Some s(h)ituations I have brought upon myself, whether innocently or ignorantly- Some have just been thrust into my lap -and down my throat.
Either way, I have to 'see' my life and all of its experiences- To 'feed' on those experiences for a while; and then choose whether to spit 'em out or to swallow them- If I choose to swallow, I then need to digest it- Then live with. And learn from.
My doctor calls it all PTSD, (post-traumatic-stress-disorder)- but I believe there has to be a real way around all of that too. Not just a label, and a 'deal'- Yes, there are times that I would make a deal with the devil himself just to be rid of this.
I try hard some days not to look in that closet- but lately I have had those skeletons brought there, by your own innocent questions and remarks. (Or at the very least 'how' I perceived those same questions and remarks in your notes and comments).
Am I real? Each and every word that I write is real to me.
I can promise you that every personal blog that I have posted is a bit of insight for you- into my life, my family, my heart, and my soul. And you have been most welcomed!
You have shared so generously of your own time and your own prayers and all else, that there are times that I am amazed and overwhelmed by such selfless acts.
As stated, your comments and your letters mean so much to me! Perhaps you will hang in there today as I unload my more random thoughts on you.
And so, let the ramblings, (and rumblings), begin...
Know that I do not mean to offend anyone; save for those that need offending- a taste of their own medicine so to say.
I have been married twice- The first time to a beater; the second to a cheater. (If I do not abide pretense from anyone, suffice it only to emphasize that these are two of my main reasons why).
I am unmarried, and have been since 1989- This has been my choice (as I have found no one to fill some very tall orders). All that because I do not trust most men to mean what they say, and say what they mean.
I am honest to a fault, and I expect no less in anyone else. I do not sugarcoat anything; and through that, I have be labeled as bitchy.
Bitchy or not, there is a waiting, wise, woman of great hope, passion, (and patience). hehehe
Due to the fact that these two marriages failed, I have raised my children completely on my own.
He calls his help 'child support' and I call that a copout. Would that we could raise our children by our checkbooks alone, and divorce them also when the marriage went south?!? I don't think so.
Am I lonely? No! But I would be less than human if I did not get lonely every now and then. Still, I am not to be described as lonely.
I have not ever had a problem with being alone. And yes, these are two vastly different concepts.
Do I miss the conversations between two intelligent adults that have survived almost any/everything together 24/7/365? I never knew that to begin with;
so, "miss" it? No. But I do know that I would miss it if I did once have it.
My doctor has me on paroxetine to treat my anxiety attacks. Coupled with the Xanax I take to be able to get anywhere further than my own mailbox, these drugs have given me a bit of redemption this year. And yet, I am still afraid of being afraid. (Was it Roosevelt that said 'we have nothing to fear, but fear itself')? He was correct.
There are so many situations and scenarios that have arisen throughout these 48+ years of my existence. I have been a victim of rape. One of my children, at 6 years old, was molested by a babysitter- Another, a victim of date rape and almost bled out and died because of it. One of my children was in a month~long treatment at the Jackie Nitschke Center for AODA.
I have one sister that died from a heroin overdose in 1976- (Having been adopted, I never had the chance to meet her, as my search did not happen until a decade later). I do however feel her loss in my life, as I always "knew" she was there, somehow.
I have 2 sisters that have breast cancer- and have thus far remained in remission (more prayers required for all women and men that live with this awful fear).
Do not find me at fault for not providing the breast cancer awareness symbols all over my own page here- I assure you they are all quite well branded in my life -and in my heart. I am more than "aware" thank you.
In contrast to what you may hear on the news, very few people know the agony of hurting others- whether it is a child, a parent, or even a pet. You already know that my pets ARE an integral part of my family.
Furthermore, I do not believe that any child should have to grow up without a pet at home- They learn life; they learn death- and they learn to love without limits.
About 5 years ago, I accidentally ran over and killed our precious black lab, Mona-
To this day, (and aside from what Casey has been through), that accident remains one of the very hardest things that I have ever had to face in this lifetime. It can still leave me weak. Impotent. Agonized.
For the most part, we (myself and my children) deal with all of these issues as best we can; and seek help from the professionals when it becomes too great to deal by/with/between ourselves- Whether those professionals are doctors, or lawyers, or just the very best of our friends!, does not matter- They are all there to help. The more commonly practiced art of 'gunnysacking' these matters only creates a much larger share of problems.
When others have problems -or a potential red flag- I try to always be there for them as well. One person asked if I could keep up because I have so very many friends on here? I cannot and I do not- But I do TRY to. If anyone writes to me and simply asks, they are always given whatever is within me to offer, whether to impart a bit of solace, comfort, wisdom, or just a shoulder. That is the way I am. Inside and out.
When I awoke this morning after receiving two injections for my migraine yesterday, I had these words to read: "you came across a bit harsh and intollerent of others, god made us all different for a reason. Tollerence is a lesson to be learned." (Spelling errors left intact).
Those words have set- and finalized- this stage for all of my ramblings today.
I was deeply hurt by them- and even now having been given an explanation, it occurs to me that some of you might be feeling this toward myself and my words too. I apologize in advance if I have; and I can only hope that you will comment and let me know.
I am intolerant of anyone who harms, or stifles, children. I am not against a well deserved spanking.
I am intolerant of stupid. (Very intolerant). Yet the mother in me will try to educate people as best I can also. I am never intolerant of those who show a willingness to learn.
Have we met before? Probably not-
But you still KNOW me...
- I AM those same skeletons in your own closet.
- I AM honest. "Brutally honest" at times, (as Mama proudly used to say). But Mama, "right is right, no matter how you spin it."
- I AM those horrible things that have happened to yourselves and/or to your loved ones.
- I AM those memories you could live well without. (I am NOT afraid to say it either).
- I AM that person that you recognize, because like me, you have also "been there, done that"
Our spirits always seek out- and find- alike souls to move forward with. I do call these souls "friend"-
And that, simply put, is why we are here.
Should any of this bear resemblance to your own heart and spirit, or to your own life, please let me know- Also let me know if I ever offend you, for it is not, nor will it be ever, my intent to do so.
God Bless you all for hanging in there with me today. For allowing me to unload a bit-
XOXO
Anne
