Punk. Trying to eat my lilacs...
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I do not often write of God in my life...The following is an excerpt, a very shallow and brief look- at what is inside...
" God Bless you for trying to help...
... I too, used to romanticize this all.
Oooh, the "FAMILYs" that stay together through thick or thin, hell or high water, etc etc etc. Though I remain a hopeless romantic, I do know that many many things are out of my hands.
I was raised to believe in God.
Once upon a time, I married for LIFE... And until my own life and was threatened; (or more succinctly and accurately put, until the spirits of my own children were threatened).
Should I have done anything differently?
Nope.
Not after being beaten. Not after having a shotgun in my face (in front of a 3 yr old, a 2 yr old and a 1 month old), because I was 15 minutes late coming home from work.
They were babies, MY BABIES, and I would not raise them to think that was/IS an acceptable "family" in any way shape or form.
As their mother, there were many things I could do to raise them up right. And with every prenatal kick, I had made that solemn promise.
And those things that ARE within in my power to do?, I asked myself that very night. Not oly for my children. They are things, that to this day I will do for anyone; and not only for those that are 'supposed to' love me (and vice~versa).
So many times I have prayed if only to ask God to help me out.
And I have gotten so many answers, positive lights, and points... Things that would happen that I could *see* as answers, (because I knew within myself that I would never come up with many of those thoughts that 'came' to me)...
Still, at NO point in time did I ever receive any 'signs' for me to change; or altar the courage of my own convictions- To change my journey would be to change others' as well. That would be a sin in my heart to even think of having the power to do.
And so I have not.
Just because, in my book, right is right is right is right.
And there are but only a very FEW grey areas to "RIGHT"...
Does that make me unforgiving? Perhaps it does. Still, I have said in some of my many previous blogs, I am NOT God... It is HIS place to forgive and forgive and forgive.
It is not mine. (Yes, I was wrong in thinking that I should have to do that time after time after time).
As I am absolutely a mere human being, there is ALWAYS that last straw for me.
But back to the derailment...
As you age, and as you grow, I am sure you will hear many stories about all of this "trainwreck"-
I only ask that you ask yourself only TWO questions when you hear 'conflicting' stories of any sort that have to do with me, my credibility, and/or my honor.
Those questions should be...
1. "Has (Grandma) Anne EVER lied to me?"
- - and - -
2. "Have I ever even KNOWN (Grandma) Anne to speak an UNtruth to ANYONE?"
As long as you know THOSE answers, (and you do already), I promise you will then know in your heart which is truth.
Am I perfect??? HELL NO. (Nor have I ever claimed to be either).
But I AM highly intelligent. (I just honestly do not know if that is a blessing or a curse).
My own mother used to say, "I don't want to be perfect either!" She had a grand sense of both human nature, AND the world, within herself.
There is no such thing as 'bad blood' Sweetie... But there are hurt feelings and wounds that have no way to heal without some kind of magic.
And so, as I have always told others, it is time for me to "Let Go; and Let God"
It is exactly what I am doing, and what I will continue to do.
And in the whole scheme of things, it is exactly what I SHOULD be doing. "
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The picture?
Taken yesterday by CaseyAnne.
The words?
I wrote them long ago- in reply to having been asked about the 'rest' of my babies.
- Zoe is 34 this year.
- Jennifer is 33.
- Roberta is 31.
Our "train-wreck" has never been 'righted'- I have learned that I cannot do so of my own accord.
And so, in honor of the month of Mothers Day, I wish them -each- all happiness, love, and peace, in their lives; that I have been unable to find more of in my own.
And I can only hope that they can teach their children better than I did my very own.
After all, that is our only job as parents.
XOXO
Me
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"To believe in a child is to believe in the future. Through their aspirations they will save the world. With their combined knowledge the turbulent seas of hate and injustice will be calmed. They will champion the causes of life's underdogs, forging a society without class discrimination. They will supply humanity with music and beauty as it has never known. They will endure."
