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Mornin' All;
Please comment.
I have made this posting private- To keep these angry feelings of mine away from Casey. (Some on my mailing list will get this, some will not).
If you have not yet gone there, please CLICK HERE to go to Casey's blog and to read her diagnosis from Mondays test. She will be having to undergo more major surgery.
At this point, she is about 97 pounds ~soaking wet. You can see the "skinny" reflected in the photo above. (I took that picture 2 days ago)...
I am having such a hard time dealing with this- As I have come to wrap my mind and my heart around all the other surgeries. And I know this should not have come as a surprise.
Maybe it is shock.
Maybe 'denial'. ?
Screw the effing psychobabble.
Mostly I am so mad about it.
Mad at the world.
Mad at the god who would even do all these things to a young lady who has had to give up so many dreams.
A promising young woman who, at this point is sitting on the fucking sidelines and watching her classmates and friends all graduate from college-
Knowing she would have been finishing up her pre-vet science classes (with flying colors, and probably early too).
It is NOT fair. Not for herself, (and not for those of us who love her).
In the past 3½ years I have read more than any lay person should ever have to.
I am not pre-med, or anything else "med" -
I am not even a damned nurse.
And yet, I CAN tell them their job, what appropriately needs to be done in a freakin' heartbeat.
Most listen. Sure they do, (like rocks).
But once I even got thanked by one of them. ONCE!
Casey thanks me all the time.
Yet, I am undeserving. (Case in point, like now).
There are times I refuse to cry; and never in front of herself.
But she cried as she called to tell me that she will be needing this surgery.
Out of fear.
Out of pain.
And almost out of prayers. Years ago when my daughters were little I would tell them it was kinda wrong to pray for themselves. (Know that I recanted that a long time ago).
She has a doctor appointment this afternoon. I will try to go with her.
Know that my stupid Paxil and Xanax don't do shit anymore with respect to my panic attacks-
On the way home from Mpls on Monday we pulled over probably a dozen times. Sometimes for her as she was in such pain after her tests, and other times for me. (Hey, once even Punk got to "go").
Poor things that I love...
I even now have these anxiety attacks sitting at home! WTfH is that all about?
I don't even know how 'long' of a surgery this is... And it seems like such a long time 'til Monday to be able to get answers to all of my own questions.
It is probably wrong, but I have to ask...
...WHY?
(It is really a simple question).
(It is really a simple question).
My heart hurts. And it is so very tired of hurting all the time.
Me
