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Mornin' All;
Please comment.
I have made this posting private- To keep these angry feelings of mine away from Casey. (Some on my mailing list will get this, some will not).
If you have not yet gone there, please CLICK HERE to go to Casey's blog and to read her diagnosis from Mondays test. She will be having to undergo more major surgery.
At this point, she is about 97 pounds ~soaking wet. You can see the "skinny" reflected in the photo above. (I took that picture 2 days ago)...
I am having such a hard time dealing with this- As I have come to wrap my mind and my heart around all the other surgeries. And I know this should not have come as a surprise.
Maybe it is shock.
Maybe 'denial'. ?
Screw the effing psychobabble.
Mostly I am so mad about it.
Mad at the world.
Mad at the god who would even do all these things to a young lady who has had to give up so many dreams.
A promising young woman who, at this point is sitting on the fucking sidelines and watching her classmates and friends all graduate from college-
Knowing she would have been finishing up her pre-vet science classes (with flying colors, and probably early too).
It is NOT fair. Not for herself, (and not for those of us who love her).
In the past 3½ years I have read more than any lay person should ever have to.
I am not pre-med, or anything else "med" -
I am not even a damned nurse.
And yet, I CAN tell them their job, what appropriately needs to be done in a freakin' heartbeat.
Most listen. Sure they do, (like rocks).
But once I even got thanked by one of them. ONCE!
Casey thanks me all the time.
Yet, I am undeserving. (Case in point, like now).
There are times I refuse to cry; and never in front of herself.
But she cried as she called to tell me that she will be needing this surgery.
Out of fear.
Out of pain.
And almost out of prayers. Years ago when my daughters were little I would tell them it was kinda wrong to pray for themselves. (Know that I recanted that a long time ago).
She has a doctor appointment this afternoon. I will try to go with her.
Know that my stupid Paxil and Xanax don't do shit anymore with respect to my panic attacks-
On the way home from Mpls on Monday we pulled over probably a dozen times. Sometimes for her as she was in such pain after her tests, and other times for me. (Hey, once even Punk got to "go").
Poor things that I love...
I even now have these anxiety attacks sitting at home! WTfH is that all about?
I don't even know how 'long' of a surgery this is... And it seems like such a long time 'til Monday to be able to get answers to all of my own questions.
It is probably wrong, but I have to ask...
...WHY?
(It is really a simple question).
(It is really a simple question).
My heart hurts. And it is so very tired of hurting all the time.
Me
It was until 1 1/2 years ago that I thought it was wrong to pray for oneself. I saw it/ was raised as it being selfish. I have learn from many recently that is not true.
ReplyDeleteI can't answer your question why. All I know is God has something planned for Casey and the people effected by Casey's life. I will continue to pray for Casey and you, Anne. I will also pray for her other loved ones that are suffering on the sidelines as she suffers, and for the doctors, nurses, pct's/na's, etc that come in contact with Casey. Prayer is powerful, I will be adding Casey to our prayer chain at church too.
(((((ANNE)))))
((((Anne)))) I have such a strong faith in GOD and know there is a reason for everything good and bad, At times yes I know these words are no comfort....and at times like these I pray harder until I realize it is all part of the plan. I know this is very stressful to say the least but it is very hard on you as Casey mother's to see and know this is going on.
ReplyDeleteI have been praying and praying hard I will pray harder and light candles and ask for the spirit of the white light to surround you both. I will continue to pray to St. Jude for both of you...my heart aches for both of you...
I pray this passes swiftly and Casey is up and living a healthy and happy life so you both can put this all behind you.
I'm so sorry you are both going through this.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Casey and you both is and always will be in my Prayers. This roller coaster ride of life has had some extra curves and highs and lows for you both.
ReplyDeleteCasey has such a good attitude most of the time. Even in her pain. But still, one can only endure so much pain.
I Pray for all the doctors that are there to "fix" Casey to get in there and find everything that needs fixing and get it done without any problems. I Pray for all the nurses that will be there to look after her to have a kind and caring heart to ease her through this. I Pray for you, to have the strength and the will to endure the worry. And for those danged headaches to stay far far far away!
Hugs and Prayers for you both!
Why does it keep going? Because anyone else would have given up by now.
ReplyDeleteCasey is strong and has an incredible will to live BOTH of which she gets from you in one form or another. Not only that but she HAS a support system that gets her through those moments when all else fails.
she texted me pretty hysterical too.
She got the same from me. Sympathy quickly followed by the good stuff and a good laugh.
She WILL get through it because she is strong. She will get better because she has the most incredible spirit.
Perhpas god is grooming her to be a doctor rather than a vet.
One never knows what the almighty has in mind.
Your anger, just proves you care so it does my heart good to see it. And I am glad you shared it rather than keep it bottled up inside.
XOXOOXOXO
Love
Pea.
Of course your heart hurts dear sweet Anna. You're her mum, and to see one of your own having to go through what she's had to go through must be tearing you apart.
ReplyDeleteNot only that, but this has gone on for so long, and still seems to be going on, JUST as you thought it was all over!
You wouldn't be human if your heart WASN't hurting.
You're both in my thoughts. xxxxxx
I cannot even begin to follow DeeAnnes comment with anything origional or remotely better.
ReplyDeleteThere is a song that comes to mind, I know it is true for a lot of us here, your friends....how we feel about you!
Everything But The Girl - We Walk The Same Line
If you lose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.
Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.
And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.
So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.
When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.
And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.
And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.
So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.
When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.
And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.
And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.
So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.
When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.
Love always,
Beth
I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this heartache ..YOUR a MOM who is watching her child suffer , that explains why you feel like you do .. I wish all the best for Casey and as always she will be in my thoughts and prayers ..She is a very strong young woman with many around her who love her .. Take a deep breath , rant and rave , cry , do what you have too but you will get through this Anne .. Stay strong and know that we ALL care and are praying for Casey ...Hugs
ReplyDeleteRead your blog then went over to Casey's page. Now I'm back.
ReplyDeleteIf you had known in the beginning that Casey would be needing two surgeries instead of just one would it have made this second surgery any easier to endure? ((Probably not)) But apparently this problem has existed, or has been flaring-up, for a while now. I guess you could look at it as the final step toward Casey's recovery. I just wish she could stop being in so much pain and could eat a little more so she could be a healthy weight. Not to mention being able to live a normal life again. I'm confident she'll get to that point, and it'll be soon. Dr S. sounds like a great doctor and he seems genuinely concerned about helping Casey.
Why? I dont believe anyone can say "why" But I believe that every thing we go through in our life has a reason or a purpose.. What reason or purpose to put this child through so much pain and heartbreak I can not begin to answer. Maybe one day it will become clear.
ReplyDeleteI think its horrible that she was basically pushed off and pushed off by doctor after doctor and just handed drugs to basically keep her quiet. That has now resulted in this now new surgery. It does make perfect sense what she is being told now.. Doesnt make it easier, but it does make perfect sense.
To say to you to how our hearts break for her each time she deals with yet another medical issue is an understatement. I cannot begin to understand your heartbreak as you watch your child miss out on the things she should be enjoying or the life she is missing.
But "Faith" is all we have.. we cannot lose it. Faith that this will be the last and that she will become healthy and happy once more.
And then.. Start feeding that child milkshakes and icecream by the bucket loads.. Hamburgers and FF by the truck loads..hehe
Stand tall my Rock.. she needs to see that Rock shoulder seeing her through once more
As to those panic attacks.. hang tough.. and remember.. its just a "thang" and you CAN get past it!
All my love to you and yours
beepluvsrock.com
Sweet Anne, I wish I could answer your questions. I can't. What I can do is offer you love and support. I just messaged Casey, hopefully encouraging her. I'd like to encourage you also.
ReplyDeleteI think everything you are experiencing is normal for any human being. God doesn't mind you being angry. About 2/3 of the Psalms are the blues. David cries his heart out to God, complaining about what he perceives as injustice. But in the end he acknowledges God Love and yields to it. I think there is a lesson there for all of us.
You've been absolutely amazing in your research concerning Casey (and recalls). Your tenacity in this astounding. Pride doesn't allow people to acknowledge others correct opinions, but it doesn't mean they haven't been taught something. I'm sure it is very difficult for these "professionals" to have to learn from a regular person. Don't let up on this.
Please know that I pray for your family on a very consistent basis. Please take care of yourself as I'm sure your strength and love is very important to Casey. It's very inspiring for us, your multiply family.
With Love and Caring,
Khoolaid
Anne I only wish I could answer your "why"...I've said it so many times myself...why did I have to get cancer with three small children to take care of...why diabetes, high blood pressure, oxygen,
ReplyDeleteobesity, emergency surgery for a perforated bowel, gall bladder, radiation cystitis ...etc... It seems
like it will never end, but it does and we go on until the next time. You have come such a long way with Casey, being there for her and carrying the load. You need to sound off, before you bust!! LOL When you get a panic attack, try ice cold water on your face. It works very well on my husband who is a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse. He had the worst panic attacks I've ever seen and I finally found that very cold water would bring him back and stop it. I know how hard this is for you and you are so lucky to have the online family that you have. So many prayers are being said for you and Casey. Can you imagine what it would be like without that? Hold on and don't let go, cause good things are coming your way. Prayers will continue and healings will take place. She will soon be over this and on to great things. Love you and sending
lots of prayers, hugs and blessings.
I will keep you both in my prayers and thoughts.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteThank you my friends...
You have put so much love onto my page, and you all mean so very much to me.
XOXO
Me
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
ReplyDeleteOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Awwwwwwww big hugs to you Anne. I wish I could answer the Why's for you. I have lots of them myself. You have gone such a long way with her and it amazes me how strong you are to deal with it all!!! Plus I don't think God will be angry and knows you are confused. You are indeed only human and we all would be feeling this way if we had to deal with everything you have. Know that I am always here to listen and you can let it out when ever you need too!!! Praying still for you all! Hugs your way!!
ReplyDeleteSweet Anne Im so so sorry this is happening to Casey, you and your family. I dont know why either luv, but I do know Casey is strong like her mother. Prayers for both of you. I can not even begin to fathom the pain you are in watching your child suffer so. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
Sorry that I am late...
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to ask 'why'. You have every right to be angry. I know it hurts you to see her hurting so. But she gets her strength from you!
Casey has been through SO flippin' much in the past 3 years! But she has such a strong will and she is such a fighter, that I KNOW she will jump this hurdle and be on the road to a full recovery before you know it!
I love you both and will keep you both in my prayers!