[My] Life in Wisconsin

"And THEN..."

Rating:★★★
Category:Other

Sassy, but funny little jokes...
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By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.
Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis.

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Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist.
She told the artist, 'Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.'
'But you are not wearing any of those things.'
'I know,' said Mrs. Johnson.
'My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I want the b*tch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.'

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He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
And then the fight started . . .

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He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
And then the fight started . . .

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He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
And then the fight started . . .

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He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.
And then the fight started . . .

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He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
And then the fight started . . .

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He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
And then the fight started . . .

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I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.
And then the fight started . . .

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He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
And then the fight started . . .

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started . . .

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 Seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started . . .

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive . . .

So, I took her to a gas station . . .

And then the fight started . . .

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'

And then the fight started . . .

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I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started . . .

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started . . .


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You all are going to have to rate these- They made me giggle anyway.

Thank you to Beth and Katie for making my inbox funny this morning!
hehehe

Now I am wondering if anyone has anything to add?

XOXO
Me

PS...
I shall be back with 10 Thoughts.
(That is, if I have enough little thoughts left over after writing out a few cards).
hehehe

love to all.


Black Friday. Whose Fault Was It Anyway?

Good Chilly Morning;
Another sleepless night here- I have to get to Fleet Farm and get a chicken lamp for the water pit. I keep waking up to run water to make sure it doesn't freeze out there-
The high tomorrow is to be about 22.  ~Whoopdefreakin'doo~
Just too early for this all...

Now back to my title.
We have all heard the news, seen the tape, etc.
(CLICK HERE if your "rock" is bigger than mine).

Here's your question...


Who really IS responsible for that mans death at WalMart on Black Friday?

  • Is it WalMart? For example they didn't do enough to control the crowd... (Keep in mind the man that died was not an employee of WalMart, just hired on as extra security to help assist with crowd control).
  • Or the shoppers? By trampling this man to death...


Still not sure?

What if it had been a shopper that had died?
What if it had been a child?


Please let me know your thoughts.

XOXO
Anne