Been a LONG Time Comin'...

A picture of Randy for Sue and Glenn.
SURPRISE! (It's about time, no)?

Good Morning All;Maybe I should begin this blog the same way I began my letter to Casey two days ago...
 ... "First grab a soda, or a water, or a coffee."  hehehe

I have been having a problem lately with getting the [right] words to write with, and to speak- with.
So, there has been NO blog 'til I get this ton of bricks off my shoulders. 
I have been carrying it around for a while now.

That weight finally was lifted Tuesday evening when I told Casey, face to face, that I have emphysema.  Quite probably the latter stages too, because of all the weight I have lost without even trying.
There is now an 8 pound difference between Casey and myself. (At least I still weigh more). hehehe?
One (of a zillion) articles I have read said this: "By the time weight loss occurs in patients with end-stage emphysema, there is often little benefit of currently available medical or nutritional support modalities."

- They did give me some inhalers, (and they're LEGAL)!  hehehe
Still wondering why they would try to treat if...?

With information- good, bad, and ugly- with each sentence, and sometimes with even a single word, came a thought as to how it applied to me.
As I read, my thoughts went back to 2010, and my good old Dr. "X"...
 ... I had asked him (LAST YEAR ALREADY!), why I would wheeze as I lay down at night.
I had already done a bit of research on that, and hadn't liked what I read-
And so, I had to ask.
He promptly took out his stethoscope, & said, "you don't smoke, do you?"  Stupid, stupid question on his part.  (He already knew that I did, as I had spoken to him about trying to quit on more than 4 or 5 occasions).
I replied, "Yes, I do."
He listened to each quadrant of my lungs and simply pronounced them to be "just fine". WTF?
But he only proved again, that my intuition has rarely led me wrong...
He was the one that was SO wrong. (He sure has made a shitload of mistakes with me)?

Know that of course I do not hold him responsible for my smoking; only for his own ignorance of what should have been done, (and without question), just as soon as I had related my own questions and fears.
So, back to Tuesday...
With my news "out", it was time to inform the rest of my children.
I emailed, knowing I would hear back from all 4.
Coward that I am, I added 'the rest of the story' in that note.
Read on...

It is not only the advanced emphysema that I have.
I also have a 6cm 'growth' on my lung.
They have told me that they will "keep an eye" on it; and I will need repeat CT Scans in 3 months to "watch" the damned thing if/as it progresses. 

Perhaps it is a cyst, -perhaps some kind of lost polyp, a cyst, or, even a tumor.
No-one knows yet, at this point.

I still have to take out a ruler, but I think 6cm is roughly half the length of a dollar bill.  It is one of those things that I never cared to know.
All I know is that I didn't ever want to know any of this.   

But shit, when I'd answered the phone that day, my doctor just kept talking and talking and...
 ... And I couldn't tell her I didn't want to hear this (because that's the way I am). 

Casey was sitting not 3 feet away from me!

More, I have been told, (a 'guesstimate'), that even with the best possible scenario(s); I have left in me "A cupla months - a cupla years."  
("Cupla?" Well, that's exactly what it sounded like anyway). hehehe

Not that I asked, but I was told that even quitting now "might" make some short difference in the course of the disease.  A week or a month, given that I have smoked since I was 17.
So there ya have it.
No wait, there's more.
Further to be told had I quit 20 years ago "maybe" this all would have set in ("a little bit"), later...

As I have stated above, I knew I would hear back from all 4 of my daughters.  The only one to reply thus far? Casey herself. (And she's the one that knew)!

Should I be shocked? 
Should I have expected anything different from the rest?
Maybe I am jumping the gun.  &  Perhaps there are already letters en-route to me, no?
As with everything, time will tell all.
Myself, having come so very close to death when I had Roberta, I have had no fear of dying since that morning.  

Before that, (I was  22), "death" was just a chapter in my Psychology book.

Maybe you will reply to my 'news'- 

I already know that I have done this to myself; so no lectures. 

And no pity. Know that I will read anything but pity! 

As with a lecture, I have no room in my heart, no patience in my soul, for that.

Truly I already know that I am not so much to be pitied, but perhaps envied in some odd way. Know that I will go on- As yes, it is possible, - in time you will know that too,. I promise you that.  

(I'll still be here, but I won't be blogging).

And no. There are no transplants for smokers. 

(They must save those for the 'smart' people).
For now I am doing very well,  save for my damned back. 
There is always that.   hehehe

I hope you are all having a grand Halloween weekend!
I have stirred my pot, so I shall close for now.

My love to all.

XOXO
Me