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So I couldn't resist.
Here y'all go! Time to chuckle a bit...
And like it says, "Tiger Woods is serious fodder for jokes"
So you see, it MUST be true!
ROTFLMBO
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i will start with the 2 from my blast of a few days ago- Saved for posterity sake.
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Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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And now these sassy ones too...
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Question: What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Answer: Santa Claus stops after three ho's!!
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http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977968028
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Other golfers calling Tiger's wife..... they want to know what club it takes to beat him.
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* The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."
* Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.
* What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian.
(Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)
There are jokes about the affair rumors:
* Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?
* Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.
* Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.
And jokes about Tiger's car crash started surfacing within minutes of the initial reports of the accident, including these:
* Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
* What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
* Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
* Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
Most of the above come from amateur quipsters - folks like you and me. But the professionals are having a field day with Tiger's troubles, too. For example:
* Stephen Colbert: "Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."
* Conan O'Brien: "One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express."
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Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
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What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
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Tiger will be leaving golf for some time, so that he can put his affairs in order!
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Gillette razors has dropped Tiger Woods from their ad campaigns because they’re jealous! Apparently, Gillette is not the best a man can get!
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Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Oscar the Grouch?
One puts his junk everywhere and the other is a Muppet on Sesame Street
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What’s Elin’s favorite household chore?
Ironing!
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What happens in Vegas stays in Rachel, Jaimee, and Kalika, etc etc etc...
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Tiger can keep his driver out of the sand, he just can’t keep it out of the bush.
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Eenie meenie minie mo,
They caught the Tiger with a Ho
If his wife says let ‘em go
It’s gonna eat up all his dough.
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Well, we all know what Tiger thinks of skanky hoes now…
They’re GR-R-R-R-R-R-R-REAT!!!
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Whats the difference between Y.E.Yang and Elin Nordigren?
It took Yang 14 clubs to beat Tiger.
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Tiger 100 Acre Woods sez:
“They’re bouncy, bouncy
Bouncy, bouncy…
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing
About hoochies iiiiiiiis…
I have more than one!!!”
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The Tiger (with apologies to William Blake)
Tiger, Tiger, bleeding bright
In the driveway of the night
What small Swedish hand or wrist
With a three-wood your head kissed?
What the anger, what the fire
Was so stoked by the Enquirer?
Twas there motive, twas there goal?
Did you play an extra hole?
Couldst thou not appease her
After bedding a skeezer?
Was your mom of no aid, though
Batt’ling that white tornado?
Were you chased from hearth and home
A golf club aimed at your dome?
Did the instinct come to pass
“My caddy will save my ass”?
When Elin did swing her club
Did you cower like a cub?
Did you know she’d hit a ton
And put you on the green in one?
When the impact made a thud
Wat’ring the lawn with your blood
Did she smile her work to see?
And did the pain make you pee?
And as neighbors heard your snores
Did you dream about your whores?
Complete defeat, is this true?
Beat you and your caddy, too?
Now as you try to clean up
Have you reread that pre-nup?
Is hush money a small price
For avoiding Elin’s slice?
Were your sponsors caused great stress
By the words of that waitress?
Or is the deal perm’nent now
With “Nike” marked on your brow?
Tiger, Tiger, bleeding bright
In the driveway of the night
What small Swedish hand or wrist
With a three-wood your head kissed?
–DTM
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So anyone have any more???
hehehe
Have a funny day!
XOXO
Me
(photo from here http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor)
