Good Monday Morning Everyone!
Recently, I have had the chance to be taken back to my own younger days. To rehash, and rethink, upon things I hadn't given thought to (for years maybe)...
Most of us, and I was clearly NO exception, thought we knew almost everything in our late teens. We were forces to be reckoned with. Damn the torpedoes, full speed a head. And we were going to change the world (cuz we simply knew SO much)!
We changed all right.
Most importantly to have succeeded only in changing our own little worlds.
...Making our own self, and our own world, comfortable enough; not only for ourselves, but perhaps for someone else to come in, sit down and feel safe too.
Life itself has taught me that I can only do this if I am willing to share the 'all' of it all.
But I have 'gone back'...
I married right out of high school.
Hindsight being 20/20, I did this only to get out of the house where I always took a backseat to my misguided sister. (Note, I do not harbor resentment to what happened then, but most recently, I have been shown acute betrayal from this same sister too).
...Water under the bridge, and all that... Not important to this blog.
In a previous blog, "Relationships ~ What May Define" >click< , I had used words from one of the Oprah shows.
That blog, and those words made me think, and to revisit.
I thought back to my first kiss. Holy Mackeral, I was IN LOVE with this man! It had to be love, didn't it? I mean, he kissed me for Petes sake! I was all of 14 (to the best of my recollection), and had attended my cousins wedding that evening. Having taken Ballroom Dance classes at the YWCA, I could dance to almost anything. And was even asked to! (That's one "YAY" for the wallflower here). hehehe
After I realized it was ONLY a kiss, I was devastated for a long time. It was to that date, one of the worst feelings I had ever felt, and I didn't think it would ever go away. In truth, that devastation lasted all of about 9 hours or so, (but it ruined my entire day too).
Fast forward a few years. I found myself wanting to be rid of all the crap of home. I was 18, (and legal almost everywhere). I certainly didn't 'need' my parents anymore. They had done their jobs well, and had taught me everything I needed to know.
So I married and had babies. Only to realize when I was 5 or 6 weeks pregnant with my oldest that I was married to a monster. This was only the first time he hit me.
And so it went.
I was determined to remain married. After all, I had promised in front of God and everyone there that I would. "Better or worse" and all that BS...
The tears! OMG, if I could have harnessed the sorrow in my own husbands voice when he apologized to me afterwards, I would have been rich beyond my wildest dreams.
Dreams? Those same dreams were fading fast. Each punch. Every slap. The dreams got pushed quietly to the background of my soul.
With each new day came a wonder that what would happen that day. How could I make it alright? How could I "fix" it so he would be happy? Why wasn't I making him happy?
More words too. These insults and put~downs have actually remained part and parcel of myself all these years after all the bruises have healed.
...Sometimes I think words are the worst of it. They have that certain "staying power"...
And no, you cannot take them back. That will be between God and himself, later.
While I was raising babies, he was working. He held this 'work = money = value' over my head countless times. But I didn't need money then (or now) to make me feel important; so those insults, for the most part, rolled off my back.
I know now he said these things to try to keep me in my place.
?
He had been raised with plently of money. It was important to him, even though he claimed it wasn't or he would have not tried to make me feel bad about it in the 1st place.
Words...
And the name~calling...
Ugly.
Bitch.
Crazy. (I am still partial to that one). hehehe
Slut. (Yup, after all, I was with him).
...And too many more to even write (or to care about anymore). Just that like I said, they DO have that 'staying power'.
3 babies, and 4 and a half years later; made black and blue countless times from this controlling and dominating husband, and coming home to a shotgun in my face, I decided that it was time to let my parents know that they hadn't taught me everything after all.
They were not at all surprised when I finally filed for divorce. Actually, my own fathers words to me then were, "What took you so long?"
But none the less, a certain blow to my insides too. Ellen Barkin said of her own break~up, "Not even a mountain of cushion-cut diamonds can soften a blow like this."
And then the sobs began...
The wailing, the begging, and oh, the tears...
Not mine, mind you, but my soon~to~be ex's...
"I promise it will never happen again." (BINGO! You got that one right).
"I will change." (Tigers. Stripes. Nuff said).
"If I can't have you, I will kill myself." (Ummm, wait BuddyBoy, if YOU don't care about your own life, then tell me why the hell I should)?? Hmmm... ?
And it was done.
And I was NOT anyones doormat, even though for quite some time, on the inside I still felt my name was "MATT"... But I grew out of that too. And no one walks on my heart or my body anymore; unless I want them to.
I wish that every young person could know this story too.
And that you do not get married for the wrong reasons. Ever.
Just a 'want' to be married, and a 'hope' that all things will eventually work themselves out is not ever enough.
And obviously missing from my own first marriage was the word 'commitment' on his part. He was only commited to himself, even though he did give grand 'lip~service' to all the rest.
Actions always speak louder than words.
And sometimes in life, we have to learn the hard way, (or die trying)...
Many of you commented that you did learn the hard way.
I hope your stories do not equal my own. But I know also that there are too many that do...
And so you kissed.
And for whatever reason you thought you fell in love.
What ultimately destroyed that love you thought you had?
Or is it love in the 1st place IF it can be destroyed????
Were you truly in love?
Or were you in love with the idea of being in love????
How long did you feel the pain? Before, during and afterward?
How do you define control?
Does control have any place in a healthy, happy relationship?
Abuse takes many forms and suppresses many bright spirits.
And not to matter if it is psychological, emotional, physical, sexual or in any other form. "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet" (Or however it goes).
What do you tell your own friends that are suffering, and perhaps trying to end a relationship that they feel they need?
So help me out folks....
And do have a 'wunnaful' Monday too.
XOXO
Anne
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10 Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Date updated: April 17, 2007
Content provided by Revolution Health Group
Hundreds of thousands of women and men are abused by a current or former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend each year.
In fact, the National Domestic Violence Hotline answers more than 16,000 calls every month from victims, survivors, friends and family members, law enforcement personnel, domestic violence advocates and the general public.
If you or someone you know experiences any of the following signs of an abusive relationship, get help now. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (or 800-799-7233) or TTY (800) 787-3224. Help is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
1. Your partner destroys your personal belongings.
2. Your partner touches you in ways that scare or hurt you.
3. Your partner forbids you to seek medical treatment.
4. You frequently feel humiliated, insulted or degraded by your partner — who then denies contributing to these feelings or says that the abuse is your fault.
5. You feel dominated and/or controlled — meaning he or she controls where you go, what you do and whom you see or talk to.
6. You frequently receive the "silent treatment," and feel like your partner purposefully keeps you at a distance emotionally.
7. You feel threatened, or are threatened with violence.
8. You're isolated, or made to feel isolated, from your friends and family.
9. You are not allowed to have control of your own money.
10. You are forced to have sex or you're forced into sexual activities you're uncomfortable with or that hurt you.
Please feel free to add to this list...
I thank you in advance for sharing of your thoughts, life, your values, and your own hearts.
I am going to add one right now.
How about? ...The withholding of love, or sex, or affection, only to cause pain.
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