Good Morning!
This blog is inspired by an email received yesterday one of my oldest (hehehe) But dearest friends.
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As warmer weather descends upon us, there are a few things we need to know about how to dress appropriately to still be comfortable; (and yet, to NOT be making anybody else feel UNcomfortable enough to spit/spew their food and drink through their mouths or noses; or in the worst case scenarios to force anyone to lose their lunch). This is an awful thing to do to anybody; (most especially to an unsuspecting stranger).
Shorts...
(Beach or otherwise)...
Men: Please keep your shorts 'long' enough to not expose any of your jewels.
No Speedos... (Honestly, a well~placed sock looks better than a Speedo). And absolutely no purple. (You WILL be snickered at; and the bright eyes you see looking at you are only hiding gales of laughter)...
Women. Irregardless of age, most of us are not the next Coppertone Baby. Shorts that show any portion of your gluteous maximus are not really cute. (That is what swimsuits are for). And for those same swimsuits, please make sure that your gluteous is at least in shape. (If it is not; well, that's what swimsuit covers are for).
The very same goes for any exposed "boobelage".
Speaking of "boobelage"...
Men, if your boobs are bigger than those of a postpubescent child, please keep them covered. (Personally, it leaves me highly depressed when a mans boobies are bigger than mine; and hang lower).
This is not cute in the least. It is just so sad for many of us. Please also remember this when you are mowing your front lawns, or doing anything within eyeshot of your street.
(Even a wife~beater/muscle shirt/singlet shirt will cover these all~too~feminine appendages of yours).
These shirts come in packs of three at any WalMart; so dust off your danged wallet and spend the $5.00 (for dignity sake).
Shoes.
More specifically... "SANDALS"
Sandals were created to bring a bit of comfort to your feet, (and to our noses).
***~Recently I have noticed that they can also be used to accurately judge any spouses, (male or female, prospective or otherwise); simply by determining how awful it might be to spend a single night in the same bed. If, upon awakening, your legs repeatedly look like you have been mauled by a lion, please either sleep on the couch or get a divorce... (or a cage)... If that lion hasn't had all of its shots, you will be subjecting yourself to many infections... (some of which are incurable)...
RIGHT?
Men and women: If you care to wear sandals, please do not allow your toes or feet to look like long, narrow brillo pads. I assure you that this is not attractive in the least. (And that YES, there is a reason why your dog, and the neighbors dogs, are constantly sniffing at your feet. (Simply put, you have gotten something yummy in your 'nitso').
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(Please refer to ***~ASTERISKS above)...
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Unless you are a duck... Your toenails should never be any shade of yellow; (whether they are painted, unpainted, or infected)...
...Please either get a pedicure, (men too), or see a podiatrist.
Fungal infections are as disgusting as growing your own mushrooms... (Which is exactly what will happen if you remain untreated).
Might I also suggest scouring your tub after each use... and changing your sheets more than once a year?
If you own old worn, holey and see~through socks, please keep them. (Your feet obviously need all the air they can get).
Soaking your tootsies daily, (or even once a week); in Epsom Salts, (add a little H2O2), will also keep those toenails fresh and decent.
(Again, please refer to ***~ASTERISKS above)...
...This is dangerous to anyone that comes near to you for whatever reason. When we are swimming together in a pool or a lake, there is always the possibility that you will scratch me. (I get more than enough close calls from Mr. Schick, so I do not need you to be adding to this for me).
Buy yourself a toenail clippers and use it weekly. (They are not only for decorating your weekend/overnight/shaving bags).
Also purchase yourself some very good emery boards. When you are done clipping those toenails finish correctly by FILING THEM DOWN. (Yes, men too). This takes all of about one minute. Nobody wants to see your jagged nails; or the dirt beneath them. Clean out the cracks out too.
Please also file your heels with these magical emery boards- Do this before, and after, soaking your feet. Unless you are a barefoot mason your heels should not look like fresh concrete.
The magic boards can also be used to remove any pre~corn skin. It files off very nicely.
If it does not, please go buy some Dr. Scholls Corn Remover Pads.... (and USE them).
It should go without saying that sandals and socks should NEVER be paired together; unless it is in the following sentence.
(This only tells us that you have NOT taken those few moments to ensure that you have nice feet... ...And that you have only tried to cover up something very gross and disgusting).
So now we will all be ready to wear sandals or even go barefoot! Yay!
There now, I feel better already!
Have a great Thursday!
XOXO
Anne
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As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes:
- I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.
- I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.
- I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.
- I will shave the hairs off my big toe.
- I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.
- If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.
- I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.
- I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.
- I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.
- I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.
- I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they are actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.
- I will promise to go to my local nail salon at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $35 and worth EVERY penny).
- I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear... nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals.
