[My] Life in Wisconsin

'Heart~Swells' Honesty and Missing Rooftops

Good Tuesday Morning!

It has come to my attention that I seem to have no roofs over my head anymore. (No wonder I am so darned cold)!

hehehe???

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After going outside only to realize that once more I must shovel; I looked up, and to my astonishment the roof on the old garage has gone missing!
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And then to check out the house from a completely different angle!

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Yup... GONE TOO!
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And this one, (from an email I had received)...

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It has finally happened...

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Now what!?!?!?!
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Too funny... (I just had to share)!
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And yet, in the midst of it all comes January COLORS!

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The 50 flowers I had received have turned into about 500! There is color everywhere!!!!
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And now...

I am going to backtrack 2+ weeks here and try to decipher the "funk" I have truly been in...
(Yes, do remember, my blog is ALL about me here)! hehehe

And it came to me very early this morning that I am NOT a dog, nor am I God...

That said, I should NOT, therefore, be expected to be either!

While writing to my niece after she had asked if people can/do/will change... I guess sometimes they truly can, but I also believe that for the most part they can/won't.

My response to her in part was :

Can people change? Can a tiger change its stripes? I do not think so.
I believe that anyone can say anything to make it 'sound' right and appealing. Maybe even to say all the right things.
But I believe that a persons soul and spirit remains the same throughout their lives.
If you (have) a good soul/spirit, then you will ultimately do good things etc... Conversely, if you have a(n) overpowering dark side, then that will also rule you.
As for myself, I rarely allow myself to try to find another one after I have already turned both cheeks a bunch of times. Guess I am pretty slow that way, but in the end we are all only 'us' and what is inside.
If I remember correctly again, these people have kicked you when you were down umpteen million times.
But I really do not think you are wondering if they will change.
I believe you are wondering if YOU can change enough to forgive them all of the terrible things they have done?
I am 48 years old, and up until this last week, I have always tried to do the old forgive/forget thing.
(Usually anyway).
But this last week or so, it has dawned on me that I am NOT God, nor do I ever accede to be.
I am NOT appointed through my relationship with anyone to HAVE to forgive them the pain they have inflicted neither on my body, (nor, more importantly, to my heart and soul).
That is Gods job, and not mine.
Cold? Probably.
Yet I have a right to survive with my own happinesses; and with my own 'self' almost completely intact too.
We all have that right! But like my dad always said, 'our own rights and freedoms only extend as far as the next persons being hurt'...
Guess it all boils down to respect vs selfishness in the end.

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...Gee, this is exactly what it took for that dawn of realization... Motives and underscores on someone elses heart; and it all became so very clear and clarified.

But then, makes this body and heart wonder what love truly is, or should be? (And I am not speaking of 'romantic true love' for that is an entirely different blog)...

Does love give you the 'right' to keep making the same mistakes, and expecting forgiveness for those SAME repeated mistakes... over and over again?

Or does love mean that you will honestly try never to let it happen again?

As I have said above, I am not a dog.

A dog will take the kicking and return to the same person who has hurt them. Over and over and over again. Nope; I am not that dog; although I HAVE acted thusly... until now.

And as far as forgiveness goes, I believe I have set prime examples for forgiveness many, many times. Simply put, I am turning no more cheeks to those that have hurt me so callously, selfishly and deeply, and yet speak of love.

And the very worst part for me is that this has come from my own flesh~and~blood.

And to please not misunderstand. I do love them ~all~ completely and honestly. But there comes that straw, that last attempt to have them understand what it might be like to walk a mile in my shoes... to be met only with complete rejection, attempted humiliation, and that ever~present WALL.

Do they love me? Yes they all do. But some do not respect me.

That same respect, like love and trust, is a 2~Way street.

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NOT!
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I do not believe I have ever said anything remotely bad about my children, ANY of them. Further, I have never said anything I would not have said to their faces, (and have done so many times).

I may be blatant at times. I have always been blatantly honest. I have, at times, been brutally honest too.

And where I am allowed to be then, (with respect to myself for knowing what I do now), I shall just continue to be 'Mom' to them all.

If any of you have grown children, or even ANY input here, I would surely like to hear from you. If you do not care to be airing your dirty laundry in the comments below then please just write me a note... because right now I am still a bit blind~sided and baffled...

And will I sit here and feel sorry for myself?

Not a single chance in hell baby! ...Because I AM better than that.

...And yes, I can rise above this also. My parents taught me that; and it is a part of them that I hold very near and dear to my heart. They are gone, but their own wisdom transcends death. My selfish little prayers are that my own little imparted bits of wisdom might do that too at some point.

As I said in my note above:

"I am NOT appointed through my relationship with anyone to HAVE to forgive them the pain they have inflicted neither on my body, (nor, more importantly, to my heart and soul).


That is Gods' job, and not mine.


Cold? Probably.
Yet I have a right to survive with my own happinesses; and with my own 'self' almost completely intact too.


We all have that right! But like my dad always said, 'our own rights and freedoms only extend as far as the next persons being hurt'..."

And this... just now received in my mailbox as I write... that could NOT have come at a better time: "I love you so much and I wish I could just hug you right now." There ARE people that understand, even not having to be given these paltry details yet... And yes, that makes my heart swell; and somehow makes it all worthwhile! (Thank you My Sweet)!

I'd better close.

I hope you are all having a wonderful Tuesday! (Mine has just been markedly improved)!

XOXO
Anne

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