A picture of Randy for Sue and Glenn.
SURPRISE! (It's about time, no)?
SURPRISE! (It's about time, no)?
Good Morning All;Maybe I should begin this blog the same way I began my letter to Casey two days ago...
... "First grab a soda, or a water, or a coffee." hehehe
I have been having a problem lately with getting the [right] words to write with, and to speak- with.
So, there has been NO blog 'til I get this ton of bricks off my shoulders.
I have been carrying it around for a while now.
That weight finally was lifted Tuesday evening when I told Casey, face to face, that I have emphysema. Quite probably the latter stages too, because of all the weight I have lost without even trying.
There is now an 8 pound difference between Casey and myself. (At least I still weigh more). hehehe?
One (of a zillion) articles I have read said this: "By the time weight loss occurs in patients with end-stage emphysema, there is often little benefit of currently available medical or nutritional support modalities."
- They did give me some inhalers, (and they're LEGAL)! hehehe
Still wondering why they would try to treat if...?
With information- good, bad, and ugly- with each sentence, and sometimes with even a single word, came a thought as to how it applied to me.
As I read, my thoughts went back to 2010, and my good old Dr. "X"...
... I had asked him (LAST YEAR ALREADY!), why I would wheeze as I lay down at night.
I had already done a bit of research on that, and hadn't liked what I read-
And so, I had to ask.
He promptly took out his stethoscope, & said, "you don't smoke, do you?" Stupid, stupid question on his part. (He already knew that I did, as I had spoken to him about trying to quit on more than 4 or 5 occasions).
I replied, "Yes, I do."
He listened to each quadrant of my lungs and simply pronounced them to be "just fine". WTF?
But he only proved again, that my intuition has rarely led me wrong...
He was the one that was SO wrong. (He sure has made a shitload of mistakes with me)?
Know that of course I do not hold him responsible for my smoking; only for his own ignorance of what should have been done, (and without question), just as soon as I had related my own questions and fears.
So, back to Tuesday...
With my news "out", it was time to inform the rest of my children.
I emailed, knowing I would hear back from all 4.
Coward that I am, I added 'the rest of the story' in that note.
Read on...
It is not only the advanced emphysema that I have.
I also have a 6cm 'growth' on my lung.
They have told me that they will "keep an eye" on it; and I will need repeat CT Scans in 3 months to "watch" the damned thing if/as it progresses.
Perhaps it is a cyst, -perhaps some kind of lost polyp, a cyst, or, even a tumor.
No-one knows yet, at this point.
I still have to take out a ruler, but I think 6cm is roughly half the length of a dollar bill. It is one of those things that I never cared to know.
All I know is that I didn't ever want to know any of this.
No-one knows yet, at this point.
I still have to take out a ruler, but I think 6cm is roughly half the length of a dollar bill. It is one of those things that I never cared to know.
All I know is that I didn't ever want to know any of this.
But shit, when I'd answered the phone that day, my doctor just kept talking and talking and...
... And I couldn't tell her I didn't want to hear this (because that's the way I am).
... And I couldn't tell her I didn't want to hear this (because that's the way I am).
Casey was sitting not 3 feet away from me!
More, I have been told, (a 'guesstimate'), that even with the best possible scenario(s); I have left in me "A cupla months - a cupla years."
("Cupla?" Well, that's exactly what it sounded like anyway). hehehe
Not that I asked, but I was told that even quitting now "might" make some short difference in the course of the disease. A week or a month, given that I have smoked since I was 17.
So there ya have it.
No wait, there's more.
Further to be told had I quit 20 years ago "maybe" this all would have set in ("a little bit"), later...
As I have stated above, I knew I would hear back from all 4 of my daughters. The only one to reply thus far? Casey herself. (And she's the one that knew)!
Should I be shocked?
Should I have expected anything different from the rest?
Maybe I am jumping the gun. & Perhaps there are already letters en-route to me, no?
As with everything, time will tell all.
Myself, having come so very close to death when I had Roberta, I have had no fear of dying since that morning.
More, I have been told, (a 'guesstimate'), that even with the best possible scenario(s); I have left in me "A cupla months - a cupla years."
("Cupla?" Well, that's exactly what it sounded like anyway). hehehe
Not that I asked, but I was told that even quitting now "might" make some short difference in the course of the disease. A week or a month, given that I have smoked since I was 17.
So there ya have it.
No wait, there's more.
Further to be told had I quit 20 years ago "maybe" this all would have set in ("a little bit"), later...
As I have stated above, I knew I would hear back from all 4 of my daughters. The only one to reply thus far? Casey herself. (And she's the one that knew)!
Should I be shocked?
Should I have expected anything different from the rest?
Maybe I am jumping the gun. & Perhaps there are already letters en-route to me, no?
As with everything, time will tell all.
Myself, having come so very close to death when I had Roberta, I have had no fear of dying since that morning.
Before that, (I was 22), "death" was just a chapter in my Psychology book.
Maybe you will reply to my 'news'-
I already know that I have done this to myself; so no lectures.
Maybe you will reply to my 'news'-
I already know that I have done this to myself; so no lectures.
And no pity. Know that I will read anything but pity!
As with a lecture, I have no room in my heart, no patience in my soul, for that.
Truly I already know that I am not so much to be pitied, but perhaps envied in some odd way. Know that I will go on- As yes, it is possible, - in time you will know that too,. I promise you that.
Truly I already know that I am not so much to be pitied, but perhaps envied in some odd way. Know that I will go on- As yes, it is possible, - in time you will know that too,. I promise you that.
(I'll still be here, but I won't be blogging).
And no. There are no transplants for smokers.
(They must save those for the 'smart' people).
For now I am doing very well, save for my damned back.
There is always that. hehehe
I hope you are all having a grand Halloween weekend!
I have stirred my pot, so I shall close for now.
My love to all.
XOXO
Me
For now I am doing very well, save for my damned back.
There is always that. hehehe
I hope you are all having a grand Halloween weekend!
I have stirred my pot, so I shall close for now.
My love to all.
XOXO
Me
Annie, some people want to know everything about a disease they have, but I'm like you I'm not one of those people who want to know everything. I do read enough to know how to help myself and what the doctors recommend, but I don't make it my life crusade to find out everything.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny what your mind does to you, when I was told I had cancer my brain took a vacation, nothing I read or heard was right. I read in the paperwork I got from the surgeon after the surgery, that I only had a month to live. I re-read that sentence maybe 50 times and that's what I thought it said every time I read it. After a month had come and gone, I looked at the sentence again and this time I read I had a year to live. After a year had passed I re-read the same sentence and I didn't see a word about how long I was going to live. I thought I was going crazy, but I'm sure being so scared made me read (and hear) things wrong. After a couple of years my brain came back from vacation.
Do you have a Facebook account? I belong to a COPD group there and they're very helpful for people with COPD and people with respiratory problems like emphysema. If you do have an account and would like to join, I can ask the owner to add you. I read in that group that it depends on where your emphysema is located as to whether or not you can have a lung transplant. I heard from a real live acquaintance who was told as long as he kept smoking they would not give him a lung transplant. I lost contact with the man, so I don't know if he quit smoking and got a transplant or not.
I'm not one to feel sorry for myself and I don't blame myself for my health problems. When I started smoking at 15 years old, no one really knew the dangers of smoking. I had a friend who got lung cancer and her doctor told her it was her own fault for smoking. That really made me angry when I heard what her doctor said to her. That doctor was such a jerk telling a dying woman it was her own fault she was dying.
Hugs to you from me!
Dearest Anne,
ReplyDeleteMay I have Dr "X"'s name so that I may have a "mild" discussion with him about his quality of care?
I'm glad it's finally out in the open. I hope Casey handled it as well as possible and I hope the other girls get back with you.
No lecture, pity or anything here except support and unconditional love.
oxox,
foreveryoursnotballsister
P.S.
I know you will always be here. I will watch for you in the sunrise and the sunset, the changing of the season's and the wonder of a thunderstorm. The quiet of a starry night and the joy of a warm spring day. You will always be with me. I love you.
Hey Wheeza, don't ever listen to those damn doctors when they put an expiration date on you. They don't know everything as they have already proved time and again.
ReplyDeleteyou know that I am celebrating anniversaries of my six months to a year. You know my tale. Yours is not really any different save for the details. No one can say with 100% certainty how or when you will go except for your god. Miracles happen every day. Look at Casey if you need proof of that.
Life is life. There are no guarantees, there is nothing certain except none of us, not a one, gets out of it alive. Live your live to the best of your abilities, be who you are, and when it is time go with grace...... and may that time be far in the future.
XOXOXOXOOXOX
Pea.
I`m sorry.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear this. Emphysema does seem to hit all who smoke. Sooner or later. I have one brother-in-law who was diagnosed with it about 20 years ago. He is still around and still puffing away. He goes through inhalers as fast as he goes through cigarettes. He's still kickin.
ReplyDeleteMy mom-in-law was also a heavy smoker. She was diagnosed with Large cell carcinoma of the lung and died about a year after she gave us all the news. She knew about her prognosis for many months before telling any of us. She did the chemo part of it and eventually had to tell us because she was going to need the family to help her through it all.
Now....my other brother-in-law who lives down in Houston had a motorcycle accident that broke his collar bone and right arm. While doing the X-rays, they discovered a mass of something near his heart. They thought the mass was more threatening to his health at the moment than the broken bones. Talk about an accident happening for a reason!! Had he never had that accident, he would not have known till it would have been too late for him. So, he had surgery as soon as they could get him in there that day and they removed a pretty good sized lump of something. It was benign. It almost seemed as if his heart was growing another heart! But still, had it been left there to continue to grow in size, it would have blocked some of his main heart arteries. Then they had to give him a few days to recuperate from the heart surgery before they could reset the broken bones.
So Anne....yes..you can go a long time with emphysema. And yes....that growth can turn out to be something other than what it looks to be. I know how miserable my bro-in-law has been all these years with his breathing difficulties and I would not wish anyone to continue to live through that kind of suffering. The duration of our lives is all different. We can fit a lot of living into a short life, or we can go on for a long time and barely have lived at all. It's the quality of life that counts. And You sound as if your life has been a good one. And how you feel about that matters only to you.
Hugs and Prayers for you!
Thinking of you Anne. . .
ReplyDeleteYou have been and always will be, in my thoughts and prayers.
Love you!
Slurkie
Sweet Sharlee;
ReplyDeleteI swear, that doctor was worse than my exdoctor!
I think you misunderstood me.
Now that I 'know' I have this, and more, I am compelled to read up on anything even remotely connected to it.
From the Atrazine fields that I played in as a child, (no wonder they asked about that), to the smoking- and everything inbetween.
What I didn't want to know was the diagnosis!
I have seen people become fragile, (yes, and even dead), from a healthy looking person of a few months prior.
This fragility, and death, is NOT from the disease itself- Rather, it is a highly psychological thing that wears that person down.
I can almost promise you that it is the KNOWING in the 1st place that wreaks the most initial harm.
"Knowing" combined with poisonous chemical treatment is what KILLS. (Again with the brain doing the greatest harm). imho.
But yes, I *do* know what he said when I asked for prognosis-
I wasn't merely curious, i have a ton of crap to get done in these next "cupola months"
But different from you, I do blame myself. Merely because emphysema is a cig induced disease; very very few people get it without smoking (something).
But know too, that I am NOT beating myself up over it either.
It is what it is. (See my disclaimer on the right hand side). hehehe
I do have a fb account. I do not use it. {Mostly/only?/mostly :-) for the pancreas issues that CaseyFace still faces}.
I am also like you in that there were no real dangers of smoking back then.
By the time the proof had come along, I was about 30 and more than addicted.
I have tried to stop any number of times; a fact that I believe any smoker will attest to-
(I liked the hypnotherapy the best, one on one, -not in a room full of strangers- It worked even!, for 3 weeks, but then I caved). Other times I have quit for a week or two, but then cannot quit all the way.
XOXO
Me
they gave my Daddy a year, he lived 15 with this disease however he had quit smoking. I blame myself too why I am on o2 now,
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you Sweet Annie.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo
Sweet Snotball;
ReplyDeleteHey! I am not dead yet! hehehe But will keep your PS in my heart always.
I too am glad it is all out in the open.
Casey seemed, let's say, 'not as shocked' as I would have thought- Then again, I 'shared' with a person that we have in common-
Perhaps once again that person has taken matters into her own hands. Like before, it is a thought my heart does *not* applaud her for..
For the other girls, still no emails, so I imagine my mailbos will have a few cards in it tomorrow. (Specifically 3).
XOXO
Me
PS
Please, if you would, a little sage and cedar now if you think about it?
WTF is a 'mailbos' ??? hehehe
ReplyDeleteMail 'BOX' is mucho better...
(Can you believe I won the 3rd grade spelling bee)?
Dearest Anne,
ReplyDeleteI am saddened to hear your news. You are a vibrant, living, loving soul and no matter if you have a day or a million years, you will continue to live that way, live it on your own terms - as it should be. As others have said, no one really knows how many days we have on this earth - only God. So, you continue to live on as you desire, fully and richly, making every moment count, as always. Take the positive, discard the negative, and enjoy life. Keep on keeping on. Just as we all should be doing with every moment of our lives.
My kids still talk about picking beans out at your place about four and a half years ago! We were canning the other day and they brought it up again! You are the reason we ever tried wax beans and we now love them! I grow green and wax so I can enjoy both together!
SO, live life well, every minute, no matter how few or how many they might be. No one knows. Honor yourself and make choices in what you let bother you. Value what is important to you.
Love and Prayers - from our whole family when I tell them, but from me right now.
Christy
Sweet Pea;
ReplyDeleteDetails, details details. Maxwell begone!
My dad used to call me Weezy.
But that was because of my middle name- I don't think he was prophetic- (only very very smart). hehehe
Then again, he smoked too.
I really am not counting the days here. Just that I knew that someone would want to know what was told to me.
And just because I now have a Dx does not mean that I don't get hit by a bus. hehehe
Wait. Would that be graceful?
Cassey is, and will remain my inspiration.
XOXO
Me
Sweet Sophie!
ReplyDeleteTo my favorite Lurker! hehehe
I am glad you wrote, (even if it was only 2 words).
Know that I am not 'sorry' for anything.
We chose our paths long before we were ever even conceived; and I can't go back on that now.
XOXO
me
Sweet PeachieBaby;
ReplyDeleteWhen I had told Kelli, she had countered with knowing a guy that has had emphysema for 35 years, and is still alive and kickin'
But I don't think that guy had a growth either. (And I am unsure if I even told gher that part).
ANYWAY, enough of Kelli.
The inhalers your BIL goes through must be the albuterol?
My other two I take one once a day, the other 2x day.
Weird, as none seem to "do" anything.
Of course I didn't even think I was sick either- Especially given the fact that I still walk back to the woods and play with the dog too. Not once even close to hyperventilating or whatever one is to do when they have this.
Go figure.
The quality? Oh you never mind. My quality is just fine, even if I do complain about my back. hehehe
4 children. 6 grandbabies to date-
All those people that came from me! Now that's cool Peachie- even if they don't talk to/about me nicely.
XOXO
me
ReplyDeleteSweet SlurkieBaby!
I too, think of you very often too.
And I wish you would come back here and blog so at least I can see pictures of your little Princess!
Love to you also my Sweet!
XOXO
me
Oh and I must add this...
ReplyDeleteNot really an accuracte picture but I had to post this anyway
~
~
From time to time- and more, all summer long, Punk comes to look at me.
She looks square in my eyes- Not wanting a fight, but seemingly to look to the depths of my soul.
She does not wish to play at those times, or to do anything else. She just looks, then sits, or lies down by me.
Spooky at those times. She looks very much like she knew a secret or two.
And so, as I have learned, maybe she does.
I also now know why I have been 'connecting' with my loved ones, all; the while I sleep.
I firmly believe in "Astral Travel", and it is true that I have been doing this more and more during my nights, and naps.
I always thought that if I ever 'knew' anything of my own demise that it would be a hard pill to swallow.
But it has come to me now- almost silently, like the cat without his bell- (save for the words that I could not stop hearing).
Of my death, thus far, the word 'harsh' has not entered the equation-
Perhaps that will change.
Most likely, it will change.
Yet, the sun will come up tomorrow, and for the many tomorrows after, -and no matter how dark the day- as it has for millenia before.
As for untold generations before, life will go on.
My own life will also go on.
It is only my body that I have betrayed. Not my fellow man, nor my daughters (I gave them LIFE); nor my animals, nor my principles.
And I think that is what matters in the end.
~
Punk did that again last night, (before I slept and dreamed with Dad and Mom too)-
So last night I told Punk that I would wait just for her- at "The Rainbow Bridge"
Go here if you do not understand: http://flintville.multiply.com/journal/item/745/Somewhere_To_Go
XOXO to ALL!
Me
Sweet Pamela!
ReplyDeleteWhen did you sneak in here?!
hehehe
I am so slow sometimes...
The best case scenario if I quit right now 'might be' 5 years.
It was after that the she mumbled the "cuplas" . hehehe
I thought if I was/am so bad I too would have been offered the 02- but I haven't been; and I don't have to go back for 3 months.
I am confused about that one...
XOXO
Me
Sweet Christy!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe they remember coming out here! Do they remember how many bags and bags and bags that were harvested that year?
Oh what a chore you all had!
That's the year my back really started bothering me the worst- But not the year I finally went in either...
You are SO VERY WISE my friend! And I promise to take ALL of your advice to heart.
You, and everyone else who replied to me have made my soul so very happy- an almosr carefree day for me! And that is such a great thing.
Am finally going to take my pills (late, oops, very late now), hit the shower, then go for a drive into town- Have a few things to pick up; and Punk and I need the outing for a bit too!
Kiss everyone for me please- and tell them I am honored!
Then, demand a hug, (or 8) for yourself!
hehehe
XOXO
Me
I too wondered about that , and I'm glad you addressed it, for I feared maybe you refused the treatment. so I would like to believe, (so I will...lmao) that it means you are not in need of it yet.
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxoxoxo
Annie, you're right I did misunderstand what you were saying. I was in such a fog when I was told I had cancer I didn't want to know everything about it because I thought I had been handed a death sentence. Now I know it wasn't a death sentence I was handed, but I still don't want to know all the details of my health problems. Meaning I don't want to how long I'm going to live, or the gory details what is expected for me during the last stages of my COPD, unless I have a need to know them for some reason. Crazy as that is, that's the way I feel.
ReplyDeleteDearest Anne,
ReplyDeleteNot only are you still here, I hope you'll be here for a while (in the corporal form).
I'm glad Casey took it well. Though it would have been nice if the other person had let YOU tell YOUR news. It wouldn't be the same person that disappeared the quilt, would it?
As for the other girls, I can only pray they contact you while they are still able.
oxox,
foreveryoursnotballsister
P.S.
You know you can have anything I am able and sage and cedar are a given. HUGGS
No I wasn't even offered it. (Maybe Medicare doesn't pay for it)?
ReplyDeleteOR, I am not as bad as all get out. hehehe
Great minds think alike!
XOXO
Me
ReplyDeleteIt's like homework (and the dang HealthCare bills)...
I have to do my research until I am happy with what I have written/thought/imagined. hehehe
You sound as though you are afraid to die? Please don't be.
Not that any of us "want" to die either. Just that it isn't as bad as we imagine.
After I'd had Berta, at one point, my doctor hollered out the door, "WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST?!? I'VE GOT A WOMAN IN HERE THAT IS GOING TO DIE!"
I remember looking at my (then) husband, and said, "None of the nurses look sick."
True story!
And that was it. I never saw the anesthesiologist, or anyone else in that room again. I DO remember being nice and warm, and I remember how bright it seemed. (I must have opened my eyes at some point before the anesthesiologist got there and seen the operating room big round light)? But I was just SO comfortable. And it was so nice.
Before that I had been in unimaginable pain as my doctor kept having to pull on my retained placenta so I would not bleed out.
After that all, I remembered nothing, save for waking up much much later in my own room.
One of my 1st thoughts then was that it was SO SO cold... even though I was wrapped in those warm blankets.
I asked after Roberta (she had been 7½ weeks early and was in NICU). It had been a very emotional pregnancy for many many reasons.
Before I delivered, I'd had both placenta previa, then placental abruption.
After all that, THEN I retained the damned thing.
Go figure.
XOXO
Me
You and I believe very much the same thing when it comes to our definition of "death"- and what came before, what will come after. I hope though when I do go that I am given a bit of time every now and then to 'visit'. hehehe
ReplyDeleteAbout the inhalers, I don't really have a problem with any of them. But for the spireva (sp)?. You have to take a wee little pill and put it in an inhaler device that breaks it open, then you inhale. I worry about inhaling those little pieces of pill that get trapped in there. Now, there IS a screen, but still it seems as though the poke hole in the pill is smaller than the screening.
Then I have advair too. Very easy to inhale that one just open and set and inhale. Then rinse your mouth out real good.
The albuterol I haven't used, just to see what it's like in case I do need it.
I feel NO difference when I take any of them.
Weird. (Of course I didn't know I couldn't breathe right before the damned CAT Scan either). hehehe
As far as my dreams go- They are of spending time, going shopping (and even BUYING stuff that fits)! I bought an outfit for my mom, and my dad liked it SO much! Just like they were still here!
Other dreams much the same- of the ones I remember anyway.
And then there are the dreams of people I love that are certainly still alive.
In both cases, sometimes these dear people look different, but I "know" who they are anyway. The houses are different too, but I know where we are, whose home it is, and that's exactly what it's supposed to look like.
I dream no differently than before my DX- Just that I remember them so much more; and enjoy the hell out of them too!
XOXO
Me
Uh-Oh
ReplyDeleteYou'd better learn now, or you'll get sent back with me when we go. (I sure don't think I got any/w=everything correct).
But that's OK, I'll wait for ya. hehehe
XOXO
Me
You made me giggle at "corporal"
ReplyDeleteMe too.
You are right.
And it definitely was MY news to tell. (Seems more than a bit underhanded).
Even *if* Casey had called and was very emotional or whatever, all that needed to be said in no uncertain terms was "Casey, you NEED to speak with your mom."
She had no right to even TRY to wear MY damned shoes. No one does.
The other girls?
Nothing yet.
And no, I am not surprised.
XOXO
me
Ooh- Just checked my email aso as not to be proven wrong.
I wasn't-
But Casey is on her way out!
YAY!
To dream of "buying stuff that fits" could possibly mean things will be as they are suppose to be.
ReplyDeleteAnd to dream of people who look different and yet still know who they are, means you have made this great adventure into life with them all before. Seeing who they were in other "skins" (lol) and other houses and knowing it all as being familiar despite the differences merely means you DO know them. In spirit, we see each other as who we are regardless of the clothes (or skins) we wear from one time to the next. And we do come back from lifetime to lifetime with "groups" of the same spirits that we know. We may change up the roll from time to time, but we all still know those of whom we need to have experiences with for the betterment of our souls.
I always thought that in another life my mom was the kid and I was the parent. It just felt that way all through this lifetime that my mom was still being too dependable on others and just like a kid, she relied on others to do the "thinking" for her. Maybe she enjoyed the role of being the child and when she came back to take on growing into adulthood, she may have regressed a little. lol.
I remembered the nickname but got it a bit wrong...
ReplyDeleteBus hitting is NOT graceful.
Casey is inspirational.
Now get to getting better.
Dogs always know.
ReplyDeleteXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
For you? I will.
ReplyDeleteOr?
I can email you.
You pick.
This made me cry.
ReplyDeleteAnimals seem to be able to 'know' when things aren't right. Even when you have no clue.
Punkie has always looked out for you.
Punkie will always look out for you.
I can not read the Rainbow Bridge poem without crying like a baby.
. . .
I am not afraid to die but I AM afraid of HOW I'm going to die.
I know it's silly and I shouldn't be scared but I am.
I love you, Anne. If there is ever a time that you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on? I'm here. A PM, an email, a phone call. Whatever you need. . .
Slurkie
This reply- received in my email from Master Gabriel's Mama:
ReplyDelete_______________________________
Anne,
Well, I knew that you were sick the last time we talked, & that you were dreading telling Casey .
I then knew it was something that would not bode well.
I don’t' pity you, the ones that I am most sad for are those of us left behind with the big hole that was yours to fill, for Gabe that will never have a chance to know you as he gets older and have that connect that is positive from his family .
I now understand the big picture better & why things worked out for Gabe the way they did .
News like this makes one reevaluate & treasure those we've been given in our lives. Sad that we need something drastic to remind us.
I am not sure of what your beliefs are, but I am sure that if you have a personal relationship with God through his Son Jesus, I will see you on the "other side " when my job here is done .
...
In closing, my prayer for you is peace that passes all understanding; & manageable pain- whatever that may be, so you don’t suffer .
And these are not just words; if you need anything let me know .
Love, Kristin
_______________________________
How wonderful that our Gabriel is in such loving hands -and hearts!!
XOXO
me
good seeing you today Annie... I love you.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteStill nothing... Oh well.
I have always held the belief that 'you are exactly where God wants you to be at any given point in time.'
ReplyDeleteIt works well to repeat that when you miss the short line at the store. hehehe
I know too about the people looking different but being the same. It is very cool when I remember a dream like that.
And knowing then makes me wonder HOW MANY FRIENDS I have on here, that I have crossed paths with before...
That you never ever 'see' an age is perfect too- (as in the recognition of the soul and not necessarily the body).
It is all a wonder, isn't it!
I remember you writing of you being the mom and vice-versa.
Stay your beliefs Peachie; they are very good ones.
XO(XO
Me
YOU get to getting better.
ReplyDeleteI shall just enjoy the peace of knowing that I have such good friends, family, and other loved ones, to decorate my world.
XOXO
Mama D.
ReplyDeleteSmall children too; but they know not how to get that point across.
XOXO
me
Oh, you do whatever works best for you!
ReplyDelete(But I can't imagine that I am the only person here who misses you either).
If the comment made you cry, do NOT read "The Rainbow Bridge"
ReplyDeleteI did not mean to make anyone cry- Sometimes my fingers take off with a mind of their own...
Now as far as dying-
You only need a bit of Faith in your doctors, and a little more in yourself.
Listen to the voices and the dreams of those who have gone on ahead. I do not, will not, believe that they were not afraid, or even more courageous than ourselves.
Most knew. And most just accepted. Even the children did this as they should have.
XOXO
Me
ReplyDeleteDear Sweet SissyKrissiePoo;
I am SO SO VERY HAPPY that YOU CAME to see me!
I only hope that you remember how to get here more often. (You can leave out the frankenkraut though). hehehe
As long as you can stand the dander from the animals, and the fur from us all, you are welcome anytime.
But you already know that.
You already know too, how very very much I love you- And I always will.
XOXO
Me
PS
I am so pissed that I took zero pictures. What the hell is wrong with me???
I am trying to get better... practice with me.
ReplyDeleteI am at peace with it. Whatever will be will be. I got over it thirty days into six months to live with is as of this writing is now four years and nine months ago....the hard part for me was getting over worrying about the family (including chosen family) who cared about me being left behind.
And y'all helped me work that out.
XOXOXO
true. Very true.
ReplyDeletexoxoxoox
Believing the above quotes to be true, what does it mean that they gave me inhalers to use?
ReplyDeleteI feel/breathe no different when I use them- (save they dry out my eyeballs something fierce).
Still losing weight- if I can judge that by my clothing-
And yes, I am eating- (Some days more voraciously than others).
I still need that damn steak. hehehe
All kidding aside, if these "medical or nutritional modalities" are of "little benefit", then WHY was I prescribed them?
XOXO
me
Anne I hope that you get the best care possible from here on out. My grandma died with emphasemya but she leived much longer than any Dr said she would. It isnt a death sentence. She did stop smoking though and it did make a huge difference. Dont listen to them when they say a small change. She had smoked since he was two. I;m serious.....Ill tell you th story sometime you have a minute. They told her it would be no use to stop at this point. Told her she had 6 months. She was with us another 15 years. Just food for thought. She was a fighter too as I know you are. Love you.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteSweet Becca;
i am so happy to see you back and I fervently hope that you will grace my page(s) more often.
I am so happy for you- For the time you were allowed with your grandmother. I know you have learned much from her the while she lived.
I have to ask...
Almost everything I have read re: emphysema, tells me that women that have it, more women die from other causes than from the emphysema itself.
Did your Grandmother pass from the disease, or did she have heart failure, or possibly a stroke.
I ask, since it is obviously my time to learn from you.
XOXO
Me
Well Anne....
ReplyDeleteShe had congestive heart failure int he end but it was casued by the severe deprivation of oxygen that occured due to emphasemya so you must take that as you will
ReplyDeleteI remember, but not really, how long ago was this?
Was she on any inhalers along with her O2?
Nosy I know.
But I am learning.
From you.
My love
XOXO
Me
ReplyDeleteNot sure if you would know this, but was it the CHF or the Emphysema listed on her death certificate?
Oh God Anne, why am I just now reading this when it was posted back in October....I am so upset with myself...so wishing I could rewind time...and yes, I know I can't...My friend, I have not been there for you when you needed me and I can not change that. After yahoo, somehow we lost touch...I never did really get into blogging on another site. Only recently have I come back here and I want you to know that my only reason was to be connected again to you Anne...I missed you... and no I did not know any of this. I only knew you were having some back issues.
ReplyDeleteI love you dear lady and have some beautiful memories of times and emotions we have shared over the years...you are and always will be a real friend in my heart and mind...
I also know your heart and strength my friend, you are amazing and as always you carry so much dignity with you in whatever life brings you. I too have smoked now for many years...longer then you, as I am older...I quit for around 6 months when I had that surgery 5 years ago... but started again...I am an addict and freely admit this. And yes like you...I know better but it has had me beat and I hate that. At this point, I am not sure it would make much difference... or this is my own "rationalization" so I continue feeding my habit.
One thing I will tell you though Anne...is I have total faith that even when given hard news... God can and does protect us at times...prayers are answered ...I think you do know I was told I have MS 27 years ago...and God has kept me walking, functioning basically normally...and allowed me to raise my three children on my own. I will be sending many prayers up to heaven Anne...that what ever is... there will be dignity and strength with you....let me know if I can help in any way..."let there be grace"...pure grace....I love you ....hugs.
My dear friend.....I am finding it very difficult to write this. Tears are flooding my cheeks and I
ReplyDeletehate this kind of news. I hate bad things happening to my friends, especially to someone like
you who has worked so hard to get Casey well and be able to live life. You have done so many
good things and been a good friend to so many, that it is unfair for this to happen to you so early
in life. I haven't seen God mentioned much in all these emails, but He is the one and the only
one, who can really help and change the situation if it is His will. Therefore, you will be in my
daily Rosary at 12:30 p.m. every day and at 4:00 p.m. you will be in the Chaplet of Divine Mercy.
I will have my prayer group friends put you on the prayer list....I will do all I can to ask Jesus to
heal you and give you more good times with your family and all of us. He has answered so many
of my prayers and healed every part of my body and Dave's too. Give your heart to Him and see
what He will do for you. Plan a meal and set the table for two....a place for you and a place for
Jesus. Tell Him what you want and need and talk to Him...never be afraid to tell him your most
inner thoughts and feelings, YOU will feel so much better. If it is your time, He will give you the
Peace that passes understanding and/or will heal you of your health issues. I hope I am not
offending you here!!! My gosh I never thought to ask before I went ahead, but I don't have time
to wait for an answer. I already lifted you up to my Lord and Savior and asked for healings. I
am so sad and I'm sure that Punk understands exactly what is wrong and wants to show u how
much he loves you. Dogs are so open to their masters and can feel everything you are going
through. Sorry, I have so much to say!!! I started not knowing what to say and all of a sudden
I couldn't stop typing. Please know that I love you greatly and will storm the doors of heaven
for you. In the meantime, believe!!!! God is good.....and we all have to go sometime, but you so
deserve more time with us and Casey. I'm sorry I didn't know about this before, but it is never
too late.
Love, hugs and gentle kisses,
Bev xo
((((((((((((((Anne)))))))))))))) ((((((((((((((Punk))))))))))))) (((((((((((((Casey))))))))))))))
Ok so I read this entry, as you subtly suggested:-) You have so much love from so many they surround you in a blanket of prayer and support. In the big picture we are all dying, right? Some sooner than others. I believe we became friends for a reason, and will remain so even after one or the other goes on to wherever it is we go. The lessons one gets from each and every soul that crosses their path for a minute or years is invaluable. I wont pitty you, your life brought children into this world and you touched so many with your words you will never truly be gone. And as far as lectures .... I am a firm believer in the power of our own choice. And accept the the consequences. Your original posting was Oct, 29th of last year. Look at all the people still responding. Your very loved and blessed, and Im so happy our paths are now forever crossed!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Sweet Barbara;
No reason to rewind- winter was nothing spectacular anyway. hehehe
I am doing well for the most part. Good/Bad and most days are inbetween.
Mostly this terminal thing is very spiritual, and almost comes with a cleansing of sorts. Being able to purge that which is unimportant to that which is.
And yes, trust me, I still do have some back problems. 28 of them! hehehe
As far as the rationalization goes, the fact remains that none of this could kill me- As there is always that proverbial bus.
While the pain I have now is of the broken bone variety I cannot imagine how the pain of MS is capable of being tolerated for so very many years.
The poems you write- the stories you tell- Tell me, were you always so beautiful, or did your diagnosis enhance that part of your soul?
XOXO
Me
PS
Forgive me that I cannot always reply on this one right away.
Sweet Bev;
ReplyDeleteAnd always with such a beautiful heart!
There is no reason to cry- I have many that wait for me... over there.
Think of it this way- I will not be alone at 3:30 in the morning unless it makes me happy to be so. hehehe
And there is no reason to 'change' any of it either. I would go back and change nothing myself, and I have far too many happy memories, and continue making them, to try to change any of it now.
I am not afraid to die, nor to meet my Maker.
And I haven't been afraid of death since I gave birth to Roberta all those years ago. Wow- she will be 32 this year! Many many moons...
There is nothing to fear.
The sun will come up, and the life will go on- altered of course, in the time that follows. My own Faith tells me that much.
God can change it. Yes he can, but then again, remember that he makes no mistakes either.
Maybe we should just thank him that we have known each other- and it is very very good- the while I am here. That, so he can move on to taking care of those who truly need it- the babies, like what our Baby Mariah went through, who are still suffering upon this earth- the the young people who have so very much ahead of them. I reserve my sadnesses for them all.
Punk will be well taken care of should I predecease her. My heart tells me that if I don't, I will be following her shortly as I cannot imagine my life without.
My love to you my sweet friend. You take good care now.
XOXO
me
Sweet Mary!
ReplyDeleteI so very much appreciate everyone's heartfelt prayers!
You said, "In the big picture we are all dying"- My mom used to say that too, and I am happy to know others know that once we are conceived we are well on our way to dying; - just that we never say it quite like that.
You are always so eloquent- nothing I can reply would even be close to having your own ability to write and get the feeling into the words.
We did become friends for a reason- fast too. i like that.
And yes, those that cross our path only for a minute can have a lasting and resounding effect upon our souls.
As can the friends we have known forever.
So many of the people I have 'known' on here have brought such joy to my life!
And I know it would be so much harder without you all too.
I know I didn't 'share' this info as readily as I do the humbug things that cross my life every day- But I wrote it when I could- Just as I have replied as I am allowed to. Some days I do still truly enjoy the whole denial thing yet. hehehe
You are so right. I am blessed!
And I am happy too!
XOXO
Me
PS
Your first sentence made me giggle-
'Choice' and 'consequence' made me remember this one too-
~
~
hehehe