Good Morning...
As promised, here is that proverbial can of worms...
I am hoping that you have an opinion for (and OF) me when you finish reading this all.
In advance I need to apologize for being in such a foul mood. (But to counter that, I only need to think of my children and grandchildren; and the "family" that I have)...
Yes, this is wordy, but where my children have the propensity of being hurt, there are never enough words...
(Falling back on the love I received from my own parents, I would still move heaven and earth to dispel that notion).
- This is my family....
.
.
(Right from my living room wall)!.
.
.
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Some of you have asked plenty of questions of myself; others have not.
(Know that a few who don't bother to ask have been terribly wrong within their assumptions).Please know that I would rather answer a question honestly, than to have anyone 'think' they might 'know' me; forego their questions, and be wrong enough to cause pain.
Now, (you know who you are)... Written in response to your ignorant rantings within my friends comments...
Forgive me ma'am, for knowing that you have only lashed out because of the ignorance of your own assumptions.
I shall try to correct that for you.
Strangely it occurs to me that I am also "assuming"... But where you could not have been further from the truth, I am thinking what I have to say might be a bit more accurate.Oddly enough, I have my own questions too.
I have been fighting the inane and assinine attitudes toward single parenting since my eldest was 3 years old, and my then husband decided to leave for Germany with his betrothed to escape his child support responsibilities. I only state this to give you a bit of background; surely now it would fail to be important for any other reason.
Me now... more backgound...
I am, PROUDLY, a single mother.
My children have given me that pride; for I would not have it if not for their own love.Both of my parents are deceased.
Having been adopted young, both of my "birthparents" are still alive and kicking; though not together.
(Hey, they were, er, 'together' for the most important day of my life; and that is all that matters). heheheI am thinking that there are plenty of single mothers out there who will care to share with me... their own experiences, their own thoughts and perhaps their own questions and answers.
Or perhaps you know a single parent family...
Or maybe you have a bit of both compassion and comprehension to offer.
I believe it was G.K. Chesterton that said one of the worst things you can do is misunderstand what someone has written. (along those lines anyway).
I hope you do not misread this; or not understand it as I mean it to be written.**********
And now the 'inspiration' for my post here...
*I tried to stick up for a friend of mine who needs her sleep. That backfired when another person had responded, not knowing the 1st thing about me, and completely misunderstanding what I had said.
I had simply explained that when people are sick, to send everyone to bed with a Ziploc bag to put under their pillows so nobody has to be cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night. (Yes, I have done this nasty task more times than I care to remember, and have even tossed bedsheets because I had no more energy to deal with it all)...
I did not have to be there to watch my children barf...
Really I didn't; not after they had reached a certain age anyway.
This does NOT make me a bad mother. (Crap, did I forget to mention that my bedroom was attached directly to the bathroom)?And yes, I have "been there," repeatedly, for my grown children as they have been taken seriously ill.
This blog began because my friends daughter (17 years old), had woken up in the middle of the night with a 24 hr. flu~bug of sorts.
Not having a land line in her bedroom, this gal had used her cell phone to call her mother, (asleep with her husband in the other bedroom), to tell her she was going to be sick.
I ('assumed' the family was well~off enough to have indoor plumbing.
That established, I further) stated I would lay good money betting on the fact that if this girl had time to make the phone call, and then wait for the connection, then wait even longer for her mother to answer, and then through a conversation, (no matter how short), that she had MORE than enough time to get her backside to the toilet. (It was just a guess).
Instead, she woke her mother, asking her bring a wastebasket to her room. (It just seemed a little selfish, silly and disrespectful to me).
I was told that the hubby would probably agree with me 100%, but that my friend did not.- **********
I have to share a few 'Q & A' of my own...
How hard is it to be a single mother?
(This is usually the greatest question of all)..- It is neither hard nor easy.
You do what you have to do; your family lives through it with plenty of prayer, humor, hormones and life.
Because I have known no other way to raise children, I would have nothing to compare it to. -With the exception of how I was raised by two parents.
I tried to incorporate what my parents taught me. ie: how I was raised.
My parents, the while they lived, helped me all they could; and so did my wonderful babysitter "Little Lisa" who practically lived with me to help me out at times.My parents were born in 1912 and 1916...
To say I was raised "old school" would be very accurate.Was I ever beaten/abused by my parents?
Absolutely not.
Hindsight (and maturity) have brought a bit of wisdom; I did deserve every punishment I ever got from them. Whether I was backhanded, spanked, cussed out, grounded, slapped or kicked in the butt, I received only what was coming to me.
(More, to this day, I have YET to hear better sermons)!And so I was, and remain, motivated to keep trying to be a decent human being.
We were completely cherished and loved, but we were NOT ever molly~coddled.
When we fell down, we were told simply to "get up".
Picking ourselves up, no matter how bloody our knees or elbows or faces were, taught us to stand on our own two feet.When were were sick, we either saw a doctor for an RX, or we got better on our own.
Honestly, I cannot recall even once expecting my mother or father to watch me throw up. (Nor did they ever offer to)!heheheMy children got spanked when they were little. (Some a few times more than others).
Yet they have grown into self~sufficient, and capable adults.
Does that mean that they do not "need" me now?
Absolutely not. (I would like to think that sharing my own experiences with them on an adult level would account for much).I believe that my parents taught me a deep and abiding respect for them. And yes, maybe I didn't always respect them as I should have; but you can bet your bottom dollar that I knew the consequences of my actions.
(And I firmly believe to this day this is the only place where the elements of "respect" and "responsibility" are learned).Much like science, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
This applies to parenting as well."Good" parenting anyway. (And no, I did not "beat" my children). Truth be told, 99.99% of the time, a simple "LOOK" from me worked just fine. hehehe
I have been known to make a mountain out of a molehill.
That is just the way I am...
(Perhaps this is one of those times, but my heart tells me otherwise).Having had my daughters each go on their 1st dates/proms/dinners, I could imagine every possible scenario of any bad/good situation.
I raised them to KNOW how to deal with those same scenarios too.Was I tough? I was.
I had to be; simply because I was the Mom and the Dad too.
They never heard 'just wait til your father gets home' because after the divorce, he chose not to be involved in their lives.
I never had the luxury of passing the buck on to someone else. (I would not have done so anyway).I was their confidante, and I was their "heavy" too.
I never backed down from a challenge, whether that challenge came from my children or their friends, or the neighbors kids, or the neighbors themselves.We had one telephone line, and one toilet. They learned patience, practicality and perseverance early on. (Hopefully, they still "knock" too).
We are a team.
They all 'worked' too.
We are 'family.'- They knew how to vacuum, and to sort and DO laundry.
- They knew how to start the weedwacker and the lawnmowers.
- They knew how to shovel snow (and sometimes even had fun doing it).
- They were responsible enough to care for the dog and the cat.
- They knew what were weeds and what was a keeper in our gardens.
- When they were younger, they were each given an alarm clock for the Christmas or birthday before they went to kindergarten.
- They all knew how to read by the time they got to kindergarten, and yes, they all knew how to use their alarm clocks to make the very best use of their time in the bathroom.
- They each ate a hot breakfast before they got on the bus.
- They all knew how to cook that same breakfast by the time they were 7 or 8. (My oldest knew how to cook that breakfast before she was old enough to even go to school).
Did they know how to take care of themselves?
You bet they did; (and they still DO)!As they grew, I always had my old medical reference books nearby, and any questions were then discussed, if/when they had any.
From a very young age, they ALL read these books many times over. A little knowledge goes a long way.As a single parent, I was always aware of how short life can be cut for some; and it was with that fear, that I raised my kids. (Losing my step~daughter has only reinforced what I already knew about life being short, and leaving small children behind).
What would have happened to my children had I died?
Would they have been intelligent enough, kind enough, capable enough, and smart enough to carry on? I wanted to make sure that they were. (Know please, I am not "dissing" those of you with a spouse; I am only relating MY life).
As a single parent with no other parent around, these are the questions that I needed to know the answers to should that have ever happened...So was I strict?
Probably more~so than most other parents; single or otherwise.With respect to my childrens hard work, successes, kindnesses and intelligence, we have raised each other "right" ...(Thank you kids)!
Having been both mother and father; yes, I still cherish every single one of those Fathers Day cards that I have received over the years too! hehehe
- Have I made mistakes? Of course I have!
I am only human.
But as we grow, we realize that the mistakes we make are our own learning experiences as well.- Have my children screwed up? Of course they have!
Do I love them any less for that? Of course not! (And yes, a note to the faithful, I know my own progeny hold no animosity toward my own screw~ups either).
- Have my children screwed up? Of course they have!
In closing. I would like to point out that I received these words from an uninvolved 3rd party in response to how I handled my own barfy children...
(And I quote):"I’m a Mom and I believe Mom’s are there to care for (your) kids.
That is the problem with the world today…I think some just shove off the kids letting them be little adults.
Care for themselves… nope.
********** end quote
So then we have a bunch of detached non-caring, no emotions types walking around."I cannot begin to tell you what an UGLY statement that is to me, and how very deeply it has affected me these past couple of days. *** Should my four daughters read these words, they will be hurt; and highly offended as well...
I just don't think that "detached" or "non~caring" and "no emotion" are adjectives that could possibly be used to describe my children...
I am wondering what everyone else thinks; and would welcome your input on this all.
Could this woman/mother possibly be right in her thinking about how to care for children?
I know I am not the very best mother around.
I know that there are many that are much better. (Sadly we all know of worse ones too). But I didn't think I was all that bad.There is a proper time for pampering, and a proper time for allowing the child to care for themselves.
Without learning to care for themselves, what a rude awakening we would leave our children with as they go off to college, to live elsewhere etc etc etc ...
What will they fall back on if their parents die?Yes. I am their mother/father.
I love each of my children "something awful"
(But no, I am still not gonna watch them puke). Methinks there are much greater, and more important, ways to be needed anyway.But that's just me.
Please let me know what YOU think just so I can put this one away.
Have a great weekend. (I am going to try to go back to bed for a while)...
XOXO
AnnePS
* If there are young men around, please know that your mother is not doing you any favors by coddling you if you have already reached puberty.
I also know for a fact that there are at least 4 young ladies in this world that will have nothing to do with a Little Mama's Boy who cannot even make his own bed, clean his own laundry, or cook his own sensible dinner.
- At best, that is an archaic way of thinking.
- At worst? Hmm... (nope, NOT going there)...
- ***************
It is a repost, but having read a comment elsewhere that gave NO respect to the work that a single parent is responsible for, I thought to repost it.
As you can see by the counter, almost 1400 people have read it already.
Sorry too that my most precious comments TO this blog did not transfer from my 360
XOXO
Me
I'm sorry I'm stuck on the fact that th kid had the audacity to call her Mom with her cell phone to ask for a freaking trash can. I would have said "Get the hell up, drag your ass to the bathroom and sleep on the floor near the toilet" 17 years old... needs a smack.
ReplyDeleteDitto what CAB said and what I said over in the orignal comments to that other blog.
ReplyDeleteI had a whole lot of parents and when I was young, they got up and helped us when we were sick....usually after yours truly threw up on the carpet and woke them trying to clean it myself. I lost my bedroom rug after I threw up on it in the middle of the night and being too sick to wake anyone or even myself it was ruined during the long night. I have no memory of throwing up at all just that I stepped in it upon waking.
Once we were a certain age (7) we got ourselves up and someone had better be near dead before we woke our parents because we were "sick". Waking parents in the middle of the night was reserved for trips to the emergency room and we all knew it.
Is it wrong for a parent to get up and care for a sick child? Not in the slightest. Is it wrong to get up and care for or clean up after anyone? No. Was it wrong for a near adult aged teenager to call her sleeping parents on the phone to wake them to bring her a waste basket to be ill in in the middle of the night? I don't know all the details but it sounds like it to me. If she had called and thought she was dying, ok. Thought she needed to go to the hospital. Ok. Too sick to get out of bed? Ok, maybe but there would be more than a wastebasket there too. But if she woke her parents with a demand for a wastebasket, I say
"unless your legs are broken I suggest that you get up and get it your own self."
I had a cushie, spoiled life, I'm the first to admit it, I never had to do anything on my own. but I was taught respect, love, how to work hard, and praise God by my parents. I was a divorced parent but the kids were fortunate enough to have their dad in their lives, I did take a bit of offense my dear dear sweet Annie to your paragraph about mommies boys. My sons are definately mommies boys, however both of these fine boys can cook, clean,do laundry, and do so for their wives, who love it! I'd hate for your sweet girls to count out all momma's boys on assumptions! after all Mama's boys know how to treat a lady. they love their mama's
ReplyDeleteYou clearly missed where Anne qualifed her statement with mama's boy WHO CAN'T do those items. She has no issues with mama's boys just those who let mama do rather than do or at least be able to do for themselves.
ReplyDeleteI was shoved off and made to be a "little adult". My mother took care of us as I noted below and as far as my father was concerned we (all nine of us and my 8 cousins too) were expected to be little adults.
ReplyDeleteThat is to say, we dressed, bathed, and cared for ourselves by ourselves. We were expected to know the time and be on time on our own. No one woke us up in the morning, we did so on our own. We were responsible for 100% of our day from the age of about 3 or 4.
Did you catch that? We were expected to know the time, be on time, and wake on our own at an age where most kids can not even tell time.
We were expected to be presentable and act in public as if we were small silent adults. We ordered off the menu even if we could not read (though almost all of us could read well before age 4).
When we were sick we got ourselves to the bathroom to be sick if we could. if we were too sick, mom was RIGHT there to help. We knew the line (difference between the two) and didn't cross it.
I think that ANYONE who knows me even in the slightest bit will tell you that I am one of the most caring, affectionate, and involved people around.
If my daughter were alive today she would tell you that while she was raised to be equally self sufficient and she not only knew how loved she was, she mentioned it often and was told often how very loved and wanted she was. She was also a very caring and wonderful mother to two small children who were also fairly self sufficient at a young age. All three of them were a very loving and caring bunch and anyone that knew them described them all as "big hearted". No one ever went in want when we were around and likewise everyone in my family knows and shows how loved everyone in the family is.
I think the assumption that self sufficient children are or feel unloved is horribly wrong. I also think it is wrong to say that self-sufficient children will become uncaring people is wrong too.
I can't say for anyone else but I can and WILL defend my parents to the end. They raised a whole bunch of self sufficient children and EVERYONE of us knew we were well loved and we KNEW that when we needed help we had it. But we ALSO knew better than to expect to be waited on hand and foot when we were capable.
and PS.
ReplyDeleteAnne.....
XOXOXOOX......
you are very much loved too.
I too would find those words insulting. Even in a 2 parent home, who is the one parent, generally, to care and raise the children. You betcha, it's the mom.I did say generally.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you about watching my child throw up. Seriously, to just hear them would make me want to hurl. I put a lined trash can by each bed. I instructed them on how to use such tool. I also instructed them how to handle things when liquid would come from both ends.
I know many single parents, and I truly believe they, you, should be given praise for what you have invested into your children's lives.
I could only wish to have a loving mother who showed she cared. Many a night my sis and I would even wish my parents had divorced while we were kids. They are now 4 or 5 years divorced.
Sometimes it's better for a single parent family than to have a two parent family (sometimes) to raise the child(ren). It isn't an easy job. I can say you have done all that you could do to make self-suffient, able-bodied adults. Kuddos to you.
I find that you are strong and loving all at the same time. You are one unique woman.
In the past, you shared the same info on me, cept I think it was to put a trash can or bucket next to their bed. You know what, it was the best advice I was given in respects to sick children. The three oldest, now 12, 8, and 5, do great with that method. Lets face it, not only does the mother not have to be disturbed, but the sick child does not have to be removed from the soiled bed and clothes. If possible, they get to get back to sleep, which we all know is needed when you are sick.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think that there is no one way for a parent/parents to raise children. We all have to do the best we can with what we have. That does not give us the right to be ignorant to others choices and methods. I do not condone abuse of any type, but a spanking is not abuse. To be honest more often words have lasting effects (always exceptions), therefore our words can be just as hurtful if not more.
Ultimately, as a parent/parents it is our responsibility to help our children grow to be responsible citizens to our family, neighbours/community, country, and most of all God. We should do this with the methods that work best for us and our children. For some people this may mean not watching your kids throw up (which I am grateful for), and for others it is to be there to hold their hair back when they are at the toilet throwing up.
Anne, you were blessed with four great daughters, who learned well from you. Not all children learn the same way though. I personally know a family trying to raise their children similar to they way you raised your daughter,s but it is not working well with their youngest. This child seems to be more sesnitive, and their methods are having this child withdraw itself into a shell. It is taken them several years to realize that this child needs a little more "coddling" to get the sense of security and encouragement this child needs. I'm not sure it's as much important how we raise our children, as it is how successful we are raising "children to grow to be responsible citizens to our family, neighbours/community, country, and most of all God."
I wish I hadnt read this can of worms....for I fear I might be about to open my own....
ReplyDeleteWhile I happen to know and love your girls Anne and can not imagine any of your family being unemotional or detatched.....that was just wrong of this woman to say... I do still make my kids sleep in the room with me and do get up and hold thier heads when they are as you say barfy....mind you my oldest is 9 not 17...BUT at 20 I still made my mommy hold my feet while I slept if I was feeling barfy....lol...
It does not make you a bad mom...it means you parent differently....with different goals in mind...you raised independent children...
I do worry if I died could Q take care of himself...I do everything for him
I remember this post from 360.
ReplyDeleteRaising children to be independent and to be able to take care of themselves are the best things parents or a single parent can ever do for a child. I really only know Casey, if she's an example of how well your children turned out then you did a fantastic job bringing your girls up.
BTW, I think the zip lock bag idea is great. Personally, ever since I was a kid, I've had an old ice bucket on the floor beside my bed - no it's not used as an ice bucket, it's used as a barf bucket.
I grew up with two parents but between the two of them they did not come close to being the single parent you were. By the time I was 5, I was doing dishes and at 8 when my parents finally divorced I became Mother to my 6 year old brother and my 18 month old sister. When my father remarried I stayed mother to these two as my step-monster refused to do for us. The housework also became my responsibility. I salute the strength and caring you exibit. You are a remarkable woman my Friend and I am proud to call you my Friend.
ReplyDeleteAt 17 that child should have gone to the bathroom and not called her mother. If not able to get there, lack of time etc, then get help cleaning up if ecessary but to call ON THE PHONE to get a can to throw up in is beyond belief. I realize everyone raises children differently but that's over the top, IMHO.
I don't think my 3 children turned out so badly and I am honored that my oldest daughter tells everyone that I am her best friend. I must have done something right.
XOXOXO Sweet Annie.
Love from Usuns in KY
Can of worms is right! Unless someone has been in my (your) shoes, they have absolutely no idea what it's like or what it takes to be a single parent. I think I've done pretty damn good raising Cee and she's turning out to be a wonderful young lady. Sometimes I think she takes better care of me than I do her but she still loves me no matter what. It's like this whole deal with "jon and kate plus 8". Kate made the statement that she's now about to find out what it's like to be a single parent. WHAT???? She has millions of dollars in the bank. She will never have to know what it's like to scrape up money for milk and bread to feed her kids. That statement really made me made. She has no idea what it's like to be a single parent and she never will.
ReplyDeleteAs for the girl that called her mother on the phone to bring her a puke bucket....how inconsiderate of her. She's old enough to drag her butt out of bed and run to the bathroom. Heck Cee tries NOT to wake me up when she's sick unless she feels she REALLY needs me.
I could go on but I'll shut my mouth here.
HERE'S TO ALL US SINGLE PARENTS!!! WE FRIGGIN' ROCK!!!
I neglected to say I've been there as a single parent and agree with both of you. Single parents can be just as good as two, sometimes better.
ReplyDeleteI guess I did not realize single mom meant POOR. I thought the term was in response to a divorced/never married mother who was trying to raise her child/children for the most part on her own.
ReplyDeleteI am not a fan of Kate's by any means, but I think a mother of 8 young kids, who is getting divorced and will have the children a good majority of the time, has every right to have fears of being a single mom. I find it hard keeping up with a family of 6 (4 kids 12 and under). I can't imagine what's envolved with a family of 9. I think Kate has a long hard struggle in front of her.
My question is what does she have to worry about? She don't have to live paycheck to paycheck, she can afford a nanny to help if she hasn't already, she doesn't have to work, She will never know what's it's truly like to be a single parent. I've been a single parent for almost 20 years, I've worked two jobs to make ends meet, seldom got child support, She has absolutely nothing to be afraid of. With all the money she has from that show, I have to ask what struggle does she have? She has none.
ReplyDeleteMoney isn't everything. And money is not the only part of parenting.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh.. I think I have missed something.. I dont know whom you are talking about.. But let me say this.. if you are bad for giving a child a barf bag.. then I am the worst because in my house if you barf on the floor or in the bed.. then you clean it up.. No point in both of us being sick after all...and no not when they were babies.
ReplyDeleteI have been known to put a trashcan and or a large bowl beside the bed and or couch if the kids were sick .. and let me tell you by the time my children were 5 years old they knew to head for a trashcan or toilet or outside to be sick.
Not to mention.. even children on an airplane are given a barf bag.. How the heck is that being a bad mother?
I have also found many who tend to jump to conclusions about others on here (here being the internet) Before someone jumps they really need to stand up and ask a few questions. Learn a little about the person and make an educated judgement.
So many today will not do that.. they just ASSUME!
Also let me say.. being a single parent sometimes is better than having both. It totally depends on the situation. I raised my sons.. and did a damn good job of it if you ask me! Just because your a single mom doesnt mean you dont still have morals and it doesnt mean you cant do for them just as well.
I have met single fathers that have done a great job and single mothers doing a great job. Is it best to have both parents .. oh you betcha.. but being single doesnt mean you cant do a good job of raising your children.
If raising your children to be responsible and able to take care of themselves and not depend on others is a bad thing.. well then sue me because thats exactly how I tried to raise my boys... and guess what.. I didnt beat or spank my boys.. didnt need to. There are other ways and as a single parent you learn alternatives to lots of things.
Big hugs sweety.. Hang in there!
I too remember this blog from a while back. You refer to a 17 year old...not a 7 year old. You should have some life skills and plain old sense to think and do for yourself at 17. Seventeen year olds want desperately to be more like an adult till they get sick and then that "child" in them takes over again. They are just working things to their own benefit till they can no longer use that excuse.
ReplyDeleteA barf bag or a barf bucket surely sounds reasonable to me for anyone over the age of 15. But using a cell phone like they are calling for "room service" is one reason I would end up tossing that damned cell phone into the toilet along with their vomit!! That is where mis-use of things come in. That's a whole different subject. Sorta like dialing 911 to report something ridiculous like "my TV remote is broken and now I can't change the channels on the TV set!!" Duh! And yes, stupid things like that have happened.
But bad parenting.......to a 17 year old.....I think not.
Funny, when I'd first written this, I wanted to have a face to face talk with that girl myself.
ReplyDeleteIt was a 24 huor bug for cryin' out loud- She didn't have pneumonia or anything that would have killed her or even warranted a doctor.
I got stuck there too ya know... And I love the way you would have told her.
XOXO
Me
Sorry to hear that you inadvertently digested your carpet...
ReplyDeleteI believe I can count on one hand (actually 2 fingers) the # of times I woke mom and/or dad up... And those times had nothing to do with being sick.
The phone ringing after 9PM was an emergency too.
You are SO lucky to have had such a large and close knit family to have grown up in. I yearned for that as a child you know...
The mother- for whatever reason (I don't recall anymore), was quite overworked and had gotten very little sleep for weeks before this had happened.
My response was with respect to her own needs- knowing that she had better start taking care of herself.
Daughter was an only child- (or maybe just the only one left at home).
It was a rude, disrespectful, and immature thing for her to have done.
And no, there was nothing wrong with her legs.
XOXO
me
If you were taught respect, love, how to work hard, and praise God, then you were raised right.
ReplyDeleteIf you passed those things on to your children then they were also raised right.
I am thinking that "Mamas boys" was not a good enough wording for what I was trying to convey in the above blog...
I was meaning to refer to those young men- (and those grown men amongst us) who cannot/willnot do any of those things for themselves, and just 'expect' their woman to do so.
I giggled at your last line...
XOXO
Me
Nutshell.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who has 4 boys- At no point were they even taught to make a bed or to fend for themselves in any way. I believe she passed grown "babies" on to their respective mates.
I think many people do not recognize the ability of a child's brain to learn.
ReplyDeleteYour parents did. Chi8ldren are capable of even learning algebra etc as two and three year olds.
This, because until age 5, the brain is like a sponge and literally soaks up everything- good and bad.
I remember learning to tell time-
I was very young too, and I do remember that I had a wretched time with the 4 and the 8 (the "twenties")...
And with reading- (I was before age 4 also), I had a rough time with the shorter words- And the 'question' words too-
Weird, huh?
And then we had to learn money also! Count it out and count it back. Not sure how old I was then.
My parents were in their (late) 40's when they adopted me- So I imagine they were trying to get all the info they possibly could crammed into our heads. hehehe
Some stuck. Some didn't. (All things considered now, I do believe I would rather know 'roots' than to know how to tell time).
I believe your daughter got the big heartedness from her mama! (And I remain so sorry that you lost her to Katrina). You taught her well my dear.
XOXO
Me
ReplyDeleteLove you too.
XOXO
Mama D
You are right that one parent generally does most of the parenting-
ReplyDeleteStill, with 2 parents there is always that dread that the other will find out-
(I lived with that fear on occasion). hehehe
For whatever reason, when I filed for divorce, 'dad' would choose to divorce their children also. So there wasn't that input where there should have been whether we were married or not. (And what little there was, in my experience, was only to slight me no matter the reason).
I know you had it rough as a child- even having both parents around-
To remain married "for the sake of the kids" does them the greater disservice, and only teaches some what a farce life can be. Sadly, it is the children that always suffer the most.
And on the same hand, children are so intelligent, resilient, and strong- Not too many of us give them credit for that.
Your last line gave me a big lump in my throat- and I thank you
XOXO
Me
First of all, I love that you said "parent/parents". Perhaps I should have deferred that way also, but I was only writing of my own experiences. And in my family, there was no (s). Just me.
ReplyDeleteYour sentence "Personally, I think that there is no one way for a parent/parents to raise children. We all have to do the best we can with what we have." is exactly right-
Real life (here) was not what is reflected on Maury Povich, or all the others that belittle parents being themselves. (Not to mention the fact that the parents themselves are the ones that belittle).
There are too many that do not believe in a just spanking. But those spanks taught me respect- (If not for what happened, then at least for my butt)!
My 'spankings' were not abuse- (Though for a while I thought that the farm chores, milking, working in the barn etc WAS abuse, and was convinced that my parents had to be breaking some child labor laws...)!
Have I watched my older, grown children throw up? Sure-
Have I held their hair back? Yes again. But it goes back to what the child needs (no matter the age) at that point in time.
the gal above was just being so damned selfish.
I do have 4 great daughters- Even though one does not speak to me, and one is an addict, they still know how to care for themselves, (mostly).
And with that knowledge and faith I have shown them, if I die tomorrow I die knowing that certain peace.
It is up to them now to know (and find) their own peace.
I am SO happy that you don't usually have to watch your kids throw up, and that they have learned to get it in the right place. (Imagine you threw out jammies and bedsheets every now and then too). Know I didn't 'waste' but there comes a time that throwing stuff in the washer is just not feasible)...
Yet each child has a different soul and spirit- What works for one will not work for another- even if they are twins! Sounds as if your friends youngest has a more delicate soul, and just needs a little more attention than the others.
Sweetie, you have some very loved children-
None of them are the same either; you know in your heart which needs what on any particular day; and you move Heaven and Earth to make sure that child receives what is needed. That is what I did too. And that is what your friends are learning to do. All will be fine there.
Your last line, "I'm not sure it's as much important how we raise our children, as it is how successful we are raising "children to grow to be responsible citizens to our family, neighbours/community, country, and most of all God." rings so very true.
XOXO
Me
ReplyDeleteYou may open your own little can any time you wish! You are learning too how to be a single mom, and unless one is stoned or stupid, it is not an easy task. Nor is it for 2 parent families-
But you do have me wondering about your feet? Does it work? Is it reflexology at its finest?
Lordy, if that works, I may have to teach Miss Punk all about it.
Please take 5 minutes each day to teach Q how to do the little things. It will being you much closer to your daughter in law later on. I promise.
Even setting the table- Doing a load of wash once a week. The little things.
And all the rest will fall into place.
Different is not necessarily a bad thing- But those that declare it so are spirit killers.
And with children, raising them, there is no room for pain within their young spirits.
That is not to say you can protect your babies from the pain of the realities of the world-
It is only to say they need to know what IS truly important in their own worlds.
I wish you well Sweetie- You need a little shoulder every now and then, you know where to find me.
XOXO
Me
Sweet RT;
ReplyDeletehehehe You obviously forgot about z and Berta! (Still giggling).
With due respect to those, they were given all their life tools by me, and through their own ability to learn.
What they do with those tools was up to them a long time ago.
And there came an awful time for me to "Let Go and Let God".
With my migraines, I have Ziploc bags on my nightstand and in the car. (And a roll of Baggies in my car to pick up dog poo if the need arises too). hehehe
Maybe I should have been a Boy Scout--- "Be prepared" and all...
The ice bucket is a great idea too! (Wonder where you got yours)? hehehe
XOXO
Me
Your house was probably much cleaner than mine still would ever hope to be.
ReplyDeleteHow often we hear about families exactly like yours too. And it makes me wonder, even now, how many kids are out there that are raising their brothers and sisters.
Years back it was the accepted ideal if a man lost his wife for whatever reason... Now, not so much, thanks to the necessity of school for everyone.
You are to be commended for the faith you had in your sibling "kids", and the efforts you made to instill 'family' in them no matter the circumstances.
At one point, my oldest daughter said she was my best friend too- (That, even after being booted out of the proverbial nest).
Now comes her own perceived reality that I am not-
Either way is fine with me- as long as she respects where she came from, and honors the fight I had within, to keep ALL of my children safe and secure.
XOXO
Me
PS
It not only sounds as if you have done something right, it sounds as though you have done something amazing!
I don't only "think" you have done a great job, I "know" it!
ReplyDeleteAnd Cee knows that the 'taking care' works best BOTH ways. That IS love you know.
I do not watch the Jon and Kate thing, but have heard plenty about them... (Although I did not know of their wealth)- Taking THAT into consideration, how can that be "reality"?
Most single moms ARE like you and I- When there is a choice between food on the table or paying the mortgage, the mortgage waits. It IS that simple.
My kids tried not to wake me also- But having my bedroom downstairs, and connected to the other end of the bathroom made that harder for them to do... All things considered, I did sleep through a few nasty sessions (which I am most thankful for). hehehe
Thank you for the 'toast'. (I like to think I kinda "rock" too).
XOXO
Me
ReplyDeleteI still believe it is better to raise kids without a bad marriage, than it is to lie to them to stay together IN a bad marriage for their sake.
(Imagine what that does to their concept of marriage later on).
Children do learn what they live.
XOXO
Me
Being a single mom was tough- "Poor" is a relative term. They say that a womans income after divorce is less than 40% of what she is accustomed to. That is HUGE, no matter where you were before.
ReplyDeleteYes, I received child support from my 2nd husband- But even with that, I worked my tail off to ensure that we all had our little needs met- And whatever else the kids decided what they wanted/needed came out of their own earnings.
Like I said, I don't watch that show-
Hmmm Should Kate take lessons from OctoMom? hehehe
Then again, either one of those women have the ability to pay someone to help them out. That can be an absolute necessity at times.
I was very lucky to have had my parents for as long as I did-
Dad died in 1984- My oldest was 7- and youngest was 4- They all remember "Grandpa" though- (Well, except Casey, who wasn't even born til '87).
Many many times they watched my girls so I could work (or play).
XOXO
Me
ReplyDeleteThe only fears she has- (and SHOULD have)- is how well/poorly her children will turn out.
My eldest daughter turned 32 yesterday-
I was divorced when she was 3, and had a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a newborn to care for.
I married again after Casey was born- he was out with the trash a little less than 3 years later. So I have those years of experience under my belt too.
Just remember how you raised Cee, and then believe that she has nothing to be afraid of either.
XOXO
Me
Money really shouldn't be a part of anything- But it is a necessity too.
ReplyDeleteLove. Faith. And the Golden Rule are always most important as you said earlier.
You don't ever have to be rich to give your children a rich upbringing.
XOXO
Me
Heck yeah they have money. They make bookoo money from that show. I just hope they are putting a good share of that money in trust funds for those kids because by the time they reach college age, it's going to cost out the butt for them to go to college. They make millions every season that it's on tv so I don't understand how she can say she's about to learn what it's like to be a single mom.....she has money, she can afford nannies so she go across the country making her personal appearances on behalf of her show. I mean really. In my opinion, she's got it made.
ReplyDeleteOh plus if I remember correctly, she's promoting a book she wrote as well. More money....
ReplyDeleteSingle parents can/do raise their children just as well as or BETTER than a 2 parent household... YOU my dear friend are a prime example of just how well a single parent can do. I wish that my Mom would have instilled in me as much as you have instilled in your girls. I love my Mom, please don't take that the wrong way. I just feel like she got 'tired' when I came along (I am the baby by 15 years!)
ReplyDeleteDid my Mom run after me when I was puking? Not that I remember. Did she take care of me when I was sick? Yes she did. Every child is differemt... I have to say that 3 years ago when I had the ovarian cyst and was in such horrible pain I cried for my Mommy and Randall went and got her. It seems that the older I have gotten the more 'nuturing' she has become.
Parenting is hard, single or married. There is no handbook.
You crack me up with your "worst" scenario!
ReplyDelete(I never thought of throwing the kid out when they barfed- Guess the neighbors dogs clean it all up then)? hehehe
You are right that each situation is different and unique.
I am one of the moms who had those morals, (and the ones who don't make the news and give the rest of us a bad name).
Like I said in the blog- some of my kids got more spankings than the others. hehehe But I will say this too- the three oldest believed that Casey was spoiled because she didn't get nearly as many. She was of that different spirit that I spoke of in my comments above.
And I believe firmly that she learned much from what went on with her older sisters. (That made it infinitely easier for me). We surely do not learn from other peoples experiences, at least most of us do have to make our own mistakes. But Casey learned plenty from an early age. Just that I didn't know how much she learned...
XOXO
Me
PS
I never hit my kids with anything other than my hand. Nor did I beat them with that same hand.
Years ago, Good Housekeeping magazine had an article on spanking, and it said if you hit a child with anything other than your hand you cannot possibly know what damage you are doing.
See how selfish that girl was?!
ReplyDeleteYou said "You should have some life skills and plain old sense to think and do for yourself at 17."
Years ago, 17 was our 'adult' number- Then it went to 18- Then 21, unless you want to marry or fight for your country.
Yet 100 years ago, girls got married and raised babies much younger than 17. (Imagine the laughingstock they would have become to run home to mommy if they were sick)! hehehe
Gosh. Her mama needed those moments of sleep is all.
And there was NO respect given to that fact.
XOXO
Me
Now where IS my remote anyway???
hehehe
She has it made... Unless or until her children need her and she is 1000's of miles away.
ReplyDeleteThat is sad- even with bookoo bucks.
XOXO
me
PS
College is an arm and a leg now!
ReplyDeleteDo you think she may want to adopt me then???
You have said a mouthful with that last sentence.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't misunderstand me either, but I miss my mom so much when I am not feeling up to par. She just always magically knew what to say/do.
I am the baby too-
But only by 2 and a half years- Nothing so spectacular as almost an entire generation!
And maybe she did get tired- Perhaps even depression of sorts, and back then it was not recognized AS depression either. But whatever the reason, I am way happy that she has grown out of it too!
XOXO
Me
lol....it made me feel safer...I always feared I was going to die alone when I had that horrible nausea feeling....lol...if she was holding my feet she couldn't slip away...so I thought anyway....she often did after I was sound asleep
ReplyDeleteHe does set the table and rinse the dishes.....I will work on teaching him the other stuff....
ReplyDeleteI do not even want to think about daughter in laws....can't I just kill any girl who looks at them?
every word of that is true
ReplyDeleteWhen I am far away I miss her immensely... When I am around her I am smothered to where I feel like I am drowning. Maybe she realizes now how she was when I was younger... I don't know and I don't think I ever will know. I know that she was/is not perfect. My Dad died when I was 9 (in 1987) and I DO think she went through bouts of depression.
ReplyDeleteI try to be to Kaylee what my Mom wasn't to me BUT I also try to draw from the good things I learned too. I openly admit that I am scared to death that I am gonna mess Kaylee up something horrible and make her have to see a psychologist when she gets older. But don't we ALL have those fears??
ReplyDeleteWhen I was little, Mama would rub my forehead, pushing my hair backwards across my scalp. (And yes, she was always gone when I woke up)
I did that to my kids too. (Ditto for the vanishing act). hehehe
XOXO
Me
He will so surprise you of what he is capable of!
ReplyDeleteYou cannot kill the girls- for you cannot blame them for wanting what you have! hehehe
But heck, I sure KNOW that feeling!
XOXO
Me
PS
If your phone isn't ringing for him now, it will be in the very near future.
ReplyDeleteto thank you for reading it all too Sweet Becca!
XOXO
me
Thats exactly why I didnt spank my children.. well other than most of the time they really were good kids.. but I had boys and frankly I would hurt my hand more than anything.
ReplyDeleteSo I just quit.. I found other ways to punish. Its amazing what taking a phone or a bike away for a short period of time will do to make someone understand... hey you messed up! Or just a time out.. worked for my kids.. Maybe I was lucky.. or maybe I just had very smart boys.. AT any rate there really wasnt alot of punshiments going on.
Mothers are the strangest and most beloved animals on the face of the earth.
ReplyDeleteYou said, "Maybe she realizes now how she was when I was younger..."
And maybe that is not the lgacy she wanted to be remembered by.
Then, "I know that she was/is not perfect."
Funny that when this realization really happens that some children can never get past it and somehow hold their parents responsible for what their parents said all along...
And yes, Sweet SlurkieBaby, we ALL have those fears. You wouldn't be 'normal' if you didn't!
(Kind of like thinking you're crazy- If you THINK you are crazy you aren't- It's the people that never think that, that we have to worry about)!
XOXO
Me
When my children were old enough to realize the freedom of the bike, the socialty of the phone and the retreat from the real world with the TV, those things did get taken away-
ReplyDeleteWhen Berta was messing up in high school, it didn't bother her one bit to remove her from those, or to ground her- ...In desperation I removed the signature on her work permit.
She LOVED that job- and as long as her grades were good she could work there.
If not, she knew I wasn't kidding around.
Kids always need their limits Sweet Beep- and they know if you mean business or not.
Car keys worked very well too!
XOXO
Me
I didn't forget about Z and Roberta, see, I'm an eternal optimist and I'm just assuming that one day they will both turn into you (as most of us tend to turn into our moms at some point in our lives) and then they'll realize what a great mom you were after all.
ReplyDeleteI need to start carrying baggies and a roll of paper towels in the car. Doc gets car sick. Yuck!
You're right, the ice bucket IS from you know where. When I was little mom use to keep a barf pan (I think it was an old roasting pan) in my sister's and my bedroom closet - just in case the bathroom was too far away. My sister and I use to joke about having to "get the pan" if one of us felt barfy. I have a feeling that was really more than you needed to know...
Sweet RT:
ReplyDeleteI am also that optomist- for the most part- One needs to pull herself up by the bootstraps, the other has to pull her head outtta her @ss.
But other then that, will they be fine if'n I croak?
You bet they will.
Now as far as Doc goes...
GINGER SNAPS 1/2 hour before you leave home.
Best if you make these yourself- you can control the sugars, the fat (AND the ginger) in them.
It worked for Punk-
...Although trips to Alabama and The Soo (and back) were notorious for Dramamine.
And I am also sure that when I am finally able to clean the dang car out good that there will be a little chunk of undigested dog food somewhere, leftover from 3 years ago.
hehehe
XOXO
Me
Thanks for the tip, It's worth a try.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather clean up dog barf than go the Dramamine route.
They say if a person is prone to getting car sick it helps if they don't sit in the back seat, unfortunately Doc doesn't fit on my front seat!
Everyone's single parent experience is different. I was blessed by having dynamic and beyond the call of duty family help, an ex who did her part, and a I found a Single Parent Bible Study group who loved and cared for me and my children.
ReplyDeleteBest line - It is neither hard nor easy.
You just do it.
Mr. KhoolMan;
ReplyDeleteYou were a "divorced" parent if your ex, (the childrens mother) did her part.
(And yes, there IS a huge difference between single parenting and parenting together, even if separately).
Single parent, to me, means one parent and a completely uninvolved walkaway.
It has been my experience that this generally means an absent sperm donor.
But there are too many egg donors too...
Go figure...
XOXO
me
ReplyDeleteABSENT egg donors that is...
I have one rule I live by .. and did this with my kids too..
ReplyDeleteI dont make false threats.. If I say this will happen you can write it on the wall.. Im gonna make it happen.
Oh, I remember the blog clearly... I think the ONLY time I woke my parents up was when my sister dang near sliced her hand off on a broken glass.
ReplyDeleteIf our phone rang at night it was always something serious. No one was allowed to call in or out after 8pm. So if it rang at night my folks had heart attacks.
I don't know about close knit, but we had the "large" part down.
XOXOOX
like I said, big difference from "can and doesn't" and can't and won't"
ReplyDeleteYou just made me cry. I miss her like hell. I miss those sweet little babies too.
ReplyDeleteWe knew money too and could figure out tax (at least the concept of it.) It was a family joke that I was wise enough to go through the check out ten times. Penny candy had no tax but ten penny candies cost 11 cents.
xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteDear Annie, from what I can see you have beautiful lovely Daughters. I don't see a serial killer in the bunch. I rankle at the coddled , co-dependant, ill mannered, entitled generation we have before us. I think when you stare death in the face while it is trying to trying to rip one of your children out of your embrace, you no longer have to even listen to the parents of these pampered "children". I feel sorry for these pampered individuals thought, they really have no clue as to what is really important in life. My Children are strong, kind, giving and NICE. Can I take all the credit for their accomplishments, of course not, can I take credit that they are good people, Damn right I can. Have we made tons of mistakes, well of course. The World is a scary place now and I think the best thing a Parent can do is show their children how to Love God, be polite, appreciative, gentle, well unless pushed and then show them how to push back twice as much. I am not sure the other cheek was meant for abusive bullies. Single parenting is sooo much better in many cases where the offending parent is next to worthless. What good does that parent do with their selfish abusive arrogant ways, they only show kids how to grow up to be terrible or hopefully show kids how NOT TO BE. For a single Mother to feel that she has to justify her self is just beyond me. Look what you have done, look at the respect you have, look at the tears you have shed alone, the laughter, the grace you show, on and on and on and alone, why are you even listening to this other person, why are you allowing it to be an issue. Kick the dirt from your shoes and move on Lady Bug they are way beneath you....You are SINGLE MOM, wear it like a badge. I have a wonderfull Husband now, but I did my share of Single Mom time, and I did the best I knew how and between God, my Mother, and I, we did good!!! I will apologize to no one and I certainly hope you don't either.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteYou are a great mom for not making idle threats.
Kids need consistency in their lives.
As Jenne put it, they crave their boundaries too. it is how they learn.
A child without boundaries is a child who wonders if anyone really loves him.
XOXO
me
ReplyDeleteOK Pea,
Closer knit than most.
XOXO
me
ReplyDeleteI hear you!
ReplyDeleteI was lazy and spent my cents madly including the tax.
I am sorry that I made you cry, Pea.
I love you, you know.
XOXO
me
ReplyDeleteALWAYS.
Dear Sweet Beth;
ReplyDeleteNo. No serial killers anyway. hehehe
(Now why does that make me ecstatically happy)?
My mom always said what a boring life this would be, if we were all to be the same.
She was right- little carbon copies, and plastic people never interested me much.
Those with gossipy tongues, and mean~spirits and black hearts, have no place in my life either.
But it would be boring if we all made the same mistakes too!
I posted this blog once before but had recently taken offense to a person who insisted that two parented children are the only way to be. (you know "those" statistics and that BS).
duh- Of course every family 'should' have 2 parents, but you and I both know real life does not provide any guarantees.
And so we do what we can, with what we have. (I really DID do ok too). And yes, I am proud of that fact.
When I would be in a hiring frenzy at any of the stores, I would secretly pray that any of my daughters needed a bit more income because I knew they weren't afraid to sweat or get dirty.
But I could NOT say that about 95% of the applications that crossed my desk either.
To borrow your own words, I don't know where the "coddled , co-dependant, ill mannered, entitled generation" came from?
..."gimme gimme gimme" ...
-and then the audacious "when do I get paid?"
(And many of these people are raising children)!
And still the world is a beautiful place.
Thank you Beth!
I need to sleep, but first a visit to your page to see how Miss Melanie is doing.
XOXO
Me
ReplyDeleteI like this-
I'm not sure either... But I sure do like the way you think.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
me
I know I said I wasn't going to comment anymore on this but I have one last thing to say.
ReplyDeleteBeing a parent is a tough job but being a single parent is even tougher no matter what anyone thinks. It's a constant day to day struggle to make things work, raise your child/children to be God fearing, respectful and loving young people and have the grow up to remain that way.
You are soooo right...unless someone has walked in the shoes of a single parent, they don't and never will truly know the struggles and hardships that we face each and every day. Kate (jon and kate plus 8) will never know the financial struggles that most of us face because she has money in the bank, she makes thousands if not tens of thousands of dollars a week doing her show which is a thousand times more than I make in a week and then some.
Not every single parent has family to lean on either. I have raised Cee her entire life on my own.....the past seven years without any family close by to even reach out to for help when I need it. I have to rely on what I was taught as a child by my parents (my mom was a single parent at one time, too....) to make things work. And it's been tough and is still tough but ya know what? Not only is Cee stronger for it, so am I!!!
'Nuff said!
Sweet Pam;
ReplyDeleteDo not ever worry about coming and commenting! Heck, I think I have started more than a few wars on your own page, (and turnabout is always fair play)... hehehe
And yet, there is a difference- You have not started anything. You have simply stated the truths of what most of us, as single parents, go through on a regular basis-
My own reflections are that we may not have had boats in the backyard, or gas in the tanks to go anywhere but work, school and home; but as you stated, we are stronger for it all.
Kate will never know that little bit of fierce pride.
I had both of my parents when I had those first three babies. Honestly I do not know what I would have done without their love and helpfulness (and Moms garden, & dads fishing).
When my ex left for Germany, I had a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn to care for. **NOT that he took advantage of his court ordered visitation privileges, save but 3 times, while he was still on Native ground. That will be his explanation to God and not mine. (Rumor has it that he tried to kill himself again last year, or the year before; I can only guess what his demons are like). Mean old me, I find that comforting...
After Pa died in '84 my mom did not get the kids as often as they had together- And I do not blame her for this- It was hard enough- her own struggles of "life without" to have to worry about little kids.
Mom died in '98- And I had Casey as the only one left at home at the time.
Was it easy? See blog.
But for my children, I would do it all over in a heartbeat. (Just not at age 50 please). hehehe
XOXO
Me
At the risk of sounding corny, Casey, that was lovely. Sort of a CLASSY little ole Chick aren't ya.
ReplyDeleteI tired to read all of the comments, but fell short.. but I found in the ones that I did read (including Casey's blog within a blog) that everyone is pretty much saying exactly what I think on the issue.
ReplyDeleteBut.. the topic spurred enough of a response in me that I wrote a blog in response to it (rather than put an excessively lengthy comment, since I know how wordy I can get). Please read and comment at your leisure. I hope you enjoy my opinion (since you DID ask for it at the beginning of this).
Nyk