Just a few grins, giggles and smiles...

The Pharmacist's Monday Morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times
before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront                                         
the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
Failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
Hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both
House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was
About three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
To open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time
The darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
Me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."


*****
Norwegian Diet -

Ole was turning 88 and was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc said: "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Ole nodded and replied..."I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day.

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

Ole replied,  "Oh, Hell no, it wuz from all dat damn skippin"


*****
CATHOLIC HORSES


One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing
his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with
interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th
race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the
forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the
horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a
horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races
continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended
up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race,
he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick
dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's
blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last
race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot
of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and
hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in
a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest
was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last
race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you
I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't
tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'


*****
False Alarms and Ghosts

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security  guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

 The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the $hit out of a ghost."


*****

hehehe
I do love funny emails!

XOXO
Me