Sharing a few letters-

Maybe I should begin this blog the same way I began my letter to Casey yesterday...
 ... First grab a soda or a water or a coffee...

The first letter- with no beating around the proverbial bush.

I have learned that I have emphysema. Probably the latter stages too because of all the weight I have lost. There is now a 8 pound difference between Casey and me. (At least I still weigh more). hehehe?
Oh well.

From one (of a zillion) articles I have read came this...
"By the time weight loss occurs in patients with end-stage emphysema, there is often little benefit of currently available medical or nutritional support modalities."

I already know that I have done this to myself; so no lectures.

Maybe I die next week. Maybe 35 years from now. Who the hell knows?
As you have surely noticed, I have not been blogging much at all.
Just not into sharing anything until Casey is stronger- physically, mentally, and spiritually too -
How is one to be ready and able to deal with her own mama leaving her?
She is not yet ready for that.
Then again, I don't think any of us are ever really ready for that kind of news, no matter what...

Greg knows a little, but not enough to really say anything without setting Casey in a G-damned downward tailspin.  I emailed him and told him to bring Casey out here someday when he believes Casey to be strong enough. I think that was about a month or so, ago.

Odd, how I am so damned effing bright -and still I cannot think of one way to tell her without setting her back.
I do not want to be responsible for that. But there may be no way of getting around it either.

But I thought you should know why I may suddenly disappear.

XOXO
Me


What really happened after that first note I wrote is that I have learned an awful lot.

First that I was not only quite flippant, but quite terribly wrong when I had written the following: "Maybe I die next week. Maybe 35 years from now. Who the hell knows."

As I know now- the very best possible scenario is if I'd quit smoking ten or twenty years ago that I might still have 5 good years left.
Such is/was not the case- "Coupla months, maybe a coupla years."

Casey and I had a terrible row last week-
I was wrong. She was wrong- (and that never adds up to anything good).

At any rate, about 3 years ago I had bought her and Greg a 2nd hand  La-Z-boy recliner couch. It was in great shape too! (Almost purrfect, 'til the darn cat sharpened his claws on it).
They finally agreed to come to get it on Tuesday evening. Friend Jesse Jasch having a friend with a covered trailer helped a lot!

As Casey went upstairs to gather a few more things, I pulled her aside, and I told her.
Finally.
Having NO idea what to say, or how to say it, I just blurted everything out.

So, with my news "out", it was time to inform the rest of my children.
I knew I would hear back from all 4.
What follows now are parts of a letter I sent to each of them, including Casey, yesterday.
_____________________________________

First, grab a soda or a water or a coffee...

I love you Baby Girl; I am sending all the info that I have collected since Summer, to your email; but just thought I would send as a text too so you know this is there for you...
And to all of your sisters as well-

Dear Casey;
You now know my "secret".
But there IS a difference, that this time it was from my heart, my soul and my lips.

My secret-
The one where only last weekend you accused me "Mom, it just seems like you are just giving up"
But you were wrong. Mama never gives up...

Still, it was at that point that I knew YOU already knew. (Your text from last night only solidified that intuition for me).
Mama knows.
But you already know that anyway. hehehe

As promised, I am just sending you just a few things/links/thoughts/facts from my collective files.

And yes, I do have more to tell you regarding it all-
It is not only the advanced emphysema that I have.
I also have a 6cm 'growth' on my lung!
They have told me that they will "keep an eye" on it; and I will need repeat CT Scans to "watch" the damned thing as it progresses.
*Perhaps it is a cyst, -perhaps some kind of polyp?- a cyst, -or, yes, even a tumor.
No-one knows.

I have yet to take out a ruler, but I think 6cm is roughly half the length of a dollar bill.
It is one of those things that I never cared to know.
All I know is that I didn't ever want to know any of this.
But shit, she just kept talking...
 ... And I couldn't tell her I didn't want to hear this, because you were sitting right here in my own La-Z-boy; not 3 feet away from me when the call had come!

Further, I have been told, that even with the best possible scenario(s); I have less than 5 years to live on/of this Earth.
Know that I will go on- (As yes, it is possible!; in time you will know/see that. (I promise to try anyway).

As you would already know, (just because you gave of your time to know me so well); I have already done SO much thinking and researching these past few months.
More on the thinking end as I read SO very much...

With information- good, bad, and ugly- with each sentence, and sometimes with even a single word, came a thought as to how it applied to me.

As I read, my thoughts went back to 2010, and my good old Dr. "X"...
 ... I had asked him (LAST YEAR ALREADY!), why I would wheeze as I lay down at night.
I had already done a bit of research on that, and hadn't liked what I read-
And so, I had to ask.
He promptly took out his stethoscope, & said, "you don't smoke, do you?"
Stupid question on his part- (He already knew that I did, as I had spoken to him about trying to quit on more than 4 or 5 occasions).
I replied, "Yes, I do."
He listened to each quadrant of my lungs and simply pronounced them to be "just fine".
Perhaps he had assumed for me to be a hypochondriac-

But he only proved again, that my intuition has rarely led me wrong...
He was the one that was SO wrong. (He sure has made a shitload of mistakes with me, eh)?

Know that of course I do not hold him responsible for my smoking; only for his own ignorance of what should have been done, and without question, just as soon as I had related my own questions and fears.

Silly me, by the time I was 30, I had learned much about the dangers of smoking. And still, i could not quit.
I have tried- and oh, how many times, during the course of this lifetime to stop.
Oh well. I never succeeded.

I'd best shut up and close for now so you can get on with your own reading... hehehe

More.         

XOXO
Mama D.
_____________________________________

Did you get through it all?
As I have already said, I knew I would hear back from all 4 of my daughters. 
The only one to reply thus far? Casey herself.
Should I be shocked?
Should I have expected anything different from the rest of them?
Maybe I am jumping the gun.
   Perhaps there are already letters en-route to me?
Or once again am I expecting too much from the 'mature' adults that I raised?

Maybe you will want to reply to my 'news'- Maybe not.
I will read anything but pity.
I have no room in my heart, no patience in my soul, for that.
I am not to pitied. Perhaps envied in a little way.

For now I am doing well, save for my damned back.
There is always that.

My love to all

XOXO
Me


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