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Thank You Aunt Marlene!
XOXO
Me
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This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics.
The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.
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AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to
lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have
mercy)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
STABLE: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
MANGER: Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when
packing the donkey.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for
seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman .
USHERS: The only people in the parish who do not realize the seating
capacity of a pew
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Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday
services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as
opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to
win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are
worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips
into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino
chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the
casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as
The Chip Monk ..
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ROFL!
ReplyDeletenot a catholic but that IS hillarious...BTW I NEVER know when to kneel or stand at mass and thats why i don't go so much...I feel like an idiot...lol
ReplyDeletehahahahahahahahahaha
ReplyDeleteLMAOOOO...oops I may got to Hell for that. Forgive me father, for I have sinned...
ReplyDeleteGod doesn't consider humor as blasphemy-
ReplyDeleteNowhere in the 10 Commandments is "Thou shalt not chuckle"
XOXO
Me
I did swear though. I implied the "A" word.
ReplyDeleteHey Ann...
ReplyDeleteVery cute! I haven't been to church much in the past year because of my health issues, but I
watch it on TV and my hubby brings me communion. I asked the Priest to come over so I could
go to confession and to call me before he came. Well he didn't call, and he came while I was in
the shower, so I had to come in the living room with my wet hair so he wouldn't have to wait
too long. Now this is a 40 year old kid (haha) extra handsome and very nice. I apologized for
looking awful (no one ever sees me without makeup or my hair done) and promptly burst into
tears and I couldn't stop crying. I guess the Lord sent the cleansing tears to get rid of the sins!!
Finally, he said...Bev, I'm going to forgive you your sins right now and then I'm going to go in
the car and get the holy (oh how awful..I can't remember the word) but it's blessed and it's not
holy water, this is like a cream and then he said I'm going to give you the Sacrement of the Sick..
which we used to call "The Last Rights". Well it made me cry harder, cause I thought he must
think I'm going to die soon. However, he did all this and I stopped crying and it was just great.
He hasn't dropped by since and I think I better try to get to church for the next time. :) Just
thought I'd add my 2 cents.
Goodnight all and happy dreams.
Bev xo
You can even say "ASS" my Sweet-
ReplyDeleteLong as you are not calling God one. (That's the commandments anyway).
I know we don't raise our kids to talk like that- (But the school bus does, even if we don't).
XOXO
me
Sweet Bev-
ReplyDeleteI would cry if the priest came over when I was in the shower too. hehehe
All kidding aside you have related a wonderful thing to us!
And being moved so greatly would last quite a while for me too.
XOXO
Me
PS
I do know what you are talking about too.
The word is....
Yeah I can't think of it either.
Oh and here's a few bizarre saints...
ReplyDelete*****************
Apollonia - Patron Saint of toothaches.
Fiacre - Patron Saint of venereal disease and taxi drivers.
Gengulf - Patron Saint of unhappy marriages.
Vitus - Patron Saint of comedians and mental illness.
Matthew - Patron Saint of accountants.
Bernardino of Siena - Patron Saint of advertising
executives.
Luke - Patron Saint of butchers.
Marin de Porres - Patron Saint of hairdressers.
Joseph of Arimathea - Patron Saint of grave diggers and
funeral directors.
Bernard of Clairvaux - Patron Saint of beekeepers.
Sebastian - Patron Saint of neighborhood watch.
XOXO
me
As if this comedians and the mentally ill are one in the same???
ReplyDeleteYou could send this one my way!
ReplyDeleteI have to laugh at these. I was raised as a Catholic and I went to the school as well. The one about the bulletin is so true. And they have to prove they went. I thought that was a little much.
ReplyDeleteA little Biblical humor...
ReplyDeleteQ. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. He was "Ruth"~less.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David 's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson . He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua , son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (.)
PS...
Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's even in the Bible.
It says . . 'He-brews'
KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES !
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.
Those were hilarious. Now I have a true blue excuse for not making coffee. ROFLOL
ReplyDeleteThose were hilarious. Now I have a true blue excuse for not making coffee. ROFLOL
ReplyDeleteoh my goodness Im crackin up here!!!...........chip monk.........lmao still laughing.
ReplyDeleteYou all know of course that the Nuns will have to deal with your behavior...lol...and it will be on your permanent record. All of my Aunts, Uncles, etc were Catholic some how I wasn't. Cute little dittys, enjoyed reading them.
ReplyDeleteI was born and raised Catholic. (I much prefer "Christian" now if I must be labeled).
ReplyDeleteDad went to a Catholic School here in Green Bay.
Made it all the way to 8th grade before he dared talk back to a nun.
He jumped out the window one day and never went back.
It was that or a beating...
XOXO
Me