Divorce Question-

Good Morning All;

I have a little question for you.

An acquaintance of mine went through a divorce almost 4 years ago.

They had been married 33 years. "The only man I'll ever love" etc etc etc...
Then... she goes on and on and on about how raunchy he is, and all of his idiosyncrasies that she HATES!

Of course she blames HIM for everything wrong in her life; when all that IS really wrong, is her own way of thinking, (& literally feeling so pitiful).

She already has gone through 3 therapists, I would imagine because she won't work with them.

it is very hard to see anyone self destruct, and I don't know what more to say to her.

A few words? 

personally, I think it is high time that perhaps a little tough love might do the trick.

Maybe?
Maybe not?

And though I HATE to say it, she, (along with many others like her), give divorced women everywhere a bad name.

-ya know?

XOXO
Me

The Perfect Way of Love...

Good Morning Everyone!
Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands.
...Er, "paws"...

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The peaceful look of pure love...
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A gentle kiss...
or ten...
or twenty...
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Happiness Found!
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A song without words...
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The love we two share...

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Happy New Years Eve!
Wishing you ALL THIS, and more.

Be safe.
Be loved.

Need I say more?

XOXO
Anne

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How Would YOU Deal?

Good Morning;
I am sickened...
Know that I have added another 2 'blocks' within my contacts...

Gabriel and I will be leaving soon...
And I just wanted to let you know what I have been reading this morning, (and every chance I have had since Friday).
Just a few links for you...

Here's one.  CLICK HERE

And another. CLICK HERE

Still another. CLICK HERE

Are you disgusted yet?

Try this one. CLICK HERE.

As always, this is America.
You are then free to draw your own conclusions.

My own thoughts are "HOW FRICKIN' DAMN DARE YOU!?!"

...And I just cannot get past that.


XOXO
Anne

Nag. Nag. Nag...

Good Morning All;

We have been so very busy... Doing not too much of anything, yet accomplishing a whole lot in the process... (It does too make sense).

I see that Casey has written of her new job, and the bit of stress it will take from herself too. Proud of her for forging ahead and 'doing' anyway!

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But then again, when one goes to an interview like this, who would resist hiring her?

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Congratulations Sassy Kid of Mine!
I wish her the very best. Especially after every little way her own body has seemingly betrayed her for the past two+ years...

For those that do not read her blog, she spent an awful weekend. Her lungs hurting, but thankfully no collapses again... and NO blood clots either. What a horrific 'wait' until those tests came back negative.

Almost sensing the mood here lately, the dogs have quieted too. Perhaps with the oncoming winter as their bodies adjust to the changing weather, and brace for the cold.

I am going to borrow a column that appears in the Press Gazette. Perhaps you have already seen it...
But worthy of a read; especially if you are a parent, or a child. Keeping in mind that hindsight will ALWAYS be 20/20.
Ironic to me, how this comes out 6 months after Fathers Day though.
Odd too how all the apologies, and all of the 'passing the buck' will not ever compensate for the truth.
(Those same truths, not as YOU see them, but how God does).

These words, taken from HERE.
...And it almost leaves me feeling bad for those fathers, and mothers, (and children), who will have to look back one day...

From whatever perspective this applies to you.

Posted November 13, 2007

Guest column:
A father's lament: 'I could've done better'

By Leonard Pitts Jr.

It's a year this week since he lost his son.

You try to get away from it, he says, try to heal. But that's hard to do when everywhere you go, people know you, know what you're going through. They even approach when you're onstage, stop you in the middle of a song. "No matter where I'm at," says Eddie Levert, "there's someone who wants to give me their condolences because, 'We loved your son and we love you.' I understand all of that, but somewhere along the way, we've got to let him rest in peace."

Levert, for those who don't know the name, has been, for almost 50 years, one of the main cannons of the O'Jays singing group, renown for such '70s standards as "Love Train" and "For the Love of Money." His son Gerald was a star in his own right, famous for songs like "Made to Love Ya" and "I Swear." He died at 40 of an accidental mix of prescription and over-the-counter medications.

Now Eddie and Gerald have a new book out. "I Got Your Back" is a quick read — barely 200 pages — and, what with the discographies and the soul-food recipe, it has more padding than an armchair.

But there is substance, too, in the candid father-and-son conversations that are the heart of the book. Eddie and Gerald, business partners, best friends, the one a chip off the other's block, were often held up as an icon of what black fatherhood can be. To read their book, though, is to realize they were also an icon of what black fatherhood too often is: a litany of shortcomings. In the Levert household, it turns out, love was filtered through father's failings, father's infidelities, father's absence.

Which is why Eddie speaks — in the book and on the phone — with palpable regret. "I think I could have been a better father," he says. And is there a man with children grown to adulthood for whom that lament does not resonate?

Eddie, who has nine kids, says, "If I'd known what I know now, I would've spent more time with them on just the small things, going to the park, playing softball. Little things like that ... being involved in their lives on a day-to-day basis. Those are the things I missed out on, those are the things that would've made me a better father."

You might argue that as a man whose career required him to spend much of his time on stages and in studios, Eddie's failings are forgivable. He's not buying it. "I just fell short," he says. "I was too busy trying to be successful. Too busy trying to be the next No. 1 entertainer, too busy focusing on what I'm trying to do in my career instead of trying to be the best father I can be. All those times I was at the disco, all those times I was hanging with the guys, all the times I was just kickin' it to be kickin' it, I could have been with my kids. Being honest with myself, 'You had the time, Eddie. But you chose to do things that were unimportant."'

He's hardly the only one. As a culture, we allow father — unlike mother — his absences. So being father often means playing now, paying later.

You watch them go into the world, these sudden men, these sudden women, who last week were toddlers curled around your leg, who three days ago left teeth under their pillows, who yesterday rode without training wheels for the first time, and you panic. You ask yourself, did I spend all the time I could've, did I teach every lesson I should've, did I do all the things I would've, had I known how helpless I would feel in this moment of separation?

Is the answer to that question ever yes? Isn't it always just different degrees of no? But by then, they are grown, the time is gone, they are making their way in the world. Yet sometimes, because of us in spite of us, they become excellent. Eddie Levert saw that happen with Gerald. He finds it a comfort. Of sorts.

"He was well thought of," says Eddie. "He was well loved. So, I didn't do too bad."

"But I could've done better."

Leonard Pitts Jr., winner of the 2004 Pulitzer Prize for Commentary, is a columnist for the Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132.

I believe it goes without saying that if we are true to our children, and ourselves, we can always admit we could have done better.
I also think it is time though to start defining exactly "HOW"...

*And stepping up to that plate that we have created for them to live/die by.

Love to all.

XOXO
Anne

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Originally posted on 360, Tuesday November 13, 2007 - 08:20am

Abuse

It's NOT what you think this blog is about...

But I am thinking the above picture says it all!

Pucker up... .stolen from here click

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Good Monday Morning Everyone!

Recently, I have had the chance to be taken back to my own younger days. To rehash, and rethink, upon things I hadn't given thought to (for years maybe)...

Most of us, and I was clearly NO exception, thought we knew almost everything in our late teens. We were forces to be reckoned with. Damn the torpedoes, full speed a head. And we were going to change the world (cuz we simply knew SO much)!

We changed all right.

Most importantly to have succeeded only in changing our own little worlds.

...Making our own self, and our own world, comfortable enough; not only for ourselves, but perhaps for someone else to come in, sit down and feel safe too.

Life itself has taught me that I can only do this if I am willing to share the 'all' of it all.

But I have 'gone back'...

I married right out of high school.

Hindsight being 20/20, I did this only to get out of the house where I always took a backseat to my misguided sister. (Note, I do not harbor resentment to what happened then, but most recently, I have been shown acute betrayal from this same sister too).

...Water under the bridge, and all that... Not important to this blog.

In a previous blog, "Relationships ~ What May Define" >click< , I had used words from one of the Oprah shows.

That blog, and those words made me think, and to revisit.

I thought back to my first kiss. Holy Mackeral, I was IN LOVE with this man! It had to be love, didn't it? I mean, he kissed me for Petes sake! I was all of 14 (to the best of my recollection), and had attended my cousins wedding that evening. Having taken Ballroom Dance classes at the YWCA, I could dance to almost anything. And was even asked to! (That's one "YAY" for the wallflower here). hehehe

After I realized it was ONLY a kiss, I was devastated for a long time. It was to that date, one of the worst feelings I had ever felt, and I didn't think it would ever go away. In truth, that devastation lasted all of about 9 hours or so, (but it ruined my entire day too).

Fast forward a few years. I found myself wanting to be rid of all the crap of home. I was 18, (and legal almost everywhere). I certainly didn't 'need' my parents anymore. They had done their jobs well, and had taught me everything I needed to know.

So I married and had babies. Only to realize when I was 5 or 6 weeks pregnant with my oldest that I was married to a monster. This was only the first time he hit me.

And so it went.

I was determined to remain married. After all, I had promised in front of God and everyone there that I would. "Better or worse" and all that BS...

The tears! OMG, if I could have harnessed the sorrow in my own husbands voice when he apologized to me afterwards, I would have been rich beyond my wildest dreams.

Dreams? Those same dreams were fading fast. Each punch. Every slap. The dreams got pushed quietly to the background of my soul.

With each new day came a wonder that what would happen that day. How could I make it alright? How could I "fix" it so he would be happy? Why wasn't I making him happy?

More words too. These insults and put~downs have actually remained part and parcel of myself all these years after all the bruises have healed.

...Sometimes I think words are the worst of it. They have that certain "staying power"...

And no, you cannot take them back. That will be between God and himself, later.

While I was raising babies, he was working. He held this 'work = money = value' over my head countless times. But I didn't need money then (or now) to make me feel important; so those insults, for the most part, rolled off my back.

I know now he said these things to try to keep me in my place.

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He had been raised with plently of money. It was important to him, even though he claimed it wasn't or he would have not tried to make me feel bad about it in the 1st place.

Words...

And the name~calling...

Ugly.

Bitch.

Crazy. (I am still partial to that one). hehehe

Slut. (Yup, after all, I was with him).

...And too many more to even write (or to care about anymore). Just that like I said, they DO have that 'staying power'.

3 babies, and 4 and a half years later; made black and blue countless times from this controlling and dominating husband, and coming home to a shotgun in my face, I decided that it was time to let my parents know that they hadn't taught me everything after all.

They were not at all surprised when I finally filed for divorce. Actually, my own fathers words to me then were, "What took you so long?"

But none the less, a certain blow to my insides too. Ellen Barkin said of her own break~up, "Not even a mountain of cushion-cut diamonds can soften a blow like this."

And then the sobs began...

The wailing, the begging, and oh, the tears...

Not mine, mind you, but my soon~to~be ex's...

"I promise it will never happen again." (BINGO! You got that one right).

"I will change." (Tigers. Stripes. Nuff said).

"If I can't have you, I will kill myself." (Ummm, wait BuddyBoy, if YOU don't care about your own life, then tell me why the hell I should)?? Hmmm... ?

And it was done.

And I was NOT anyones doormat, even though for quite some time, on the inside I still felt my name was "MATT"... But I grew out of that too. And no one walks on my heart or my body anymore; unless I want them to.

I wish that every young person could know this story too.

And that you do not get married for the wrong reasons. Ever.

Just a 'want' to be married, and a 'hope' that all things will eventually work themselves out is not ever enough.

And obviously missing from my own first marriage was the word 'commitment' on his part. He was only commited to himself, even though he did give grand 'lip~service' to all the rest.

Actions always speak louder than words.

And sometimes in life, we have to learn the hard way, (or die trying)...

Many of you commented that you did learn the hard way.

I hope your stories do not equal my own. But I know also that there are too many that do...

And so you kissed.

And for whatever reason you thought you fell in love.

What ultimately destroyed that love you thought you had?

Or is it love in the 1st place IF it can be destroyed????

Were you truly in love?

Or were you in love with the idea of being in love????

How long did you feel the pain? Before, during and afterward?

How do you define control?

Does control have any place in a healthy, happy relationship?

Abuse takes many forms and suppresses many bright spirits.

And not to matter if it is psychological, emotional, physical, sexual or in any other form. "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet" (Or however it goes).

What do you tell your own friends that are suffering, and perhaps trying to end a relationship that they feel they need?

So help me out folks....

And do have a 'wunnaful' Monday too.

XOXO
Anne

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10 Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Date updated: April 17, 2007
Content provided by Revolution Health Group

>CLICK HERE<

Hundreds of thousands of women and men are abused by a current or former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend each year.

In fact, the National Domestic Violence Hotline answers more than 16,000 calls every month from victims, survivors, friends and family members, law enforcement personnel, domestic violence advocates and the general public.

If you or someone you know experiences any of the following signs of an abusive relationship, get help now. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (or 800-799-7233) or TTY (800) 787-3224. Help is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

1. Your partner destroys your personal belongings.

2. Your partner touches you in ways that scare or hurt you.

3. Your partner forbids you to seek medical treatment.

4. You frequently feel humiliated, insulted or degraded by your partner — who then denies contributing to these feelings or says that the abuse is your fault.

5. You feel dominated and/or controlled — meaning he or she controls where you go, what you do and whom you see or talk to.

6. You frequently receive the "silent treatment," and feel like your partner purposefully keeps you at a distance emotionally.

7. You feel threatened, or are threatened with violence.

8. You're isolated, or made to feel isolated, from your friends and family.

9. You are not allowed to have control of your own money.

10. You are forced to have sex or you're forced into sexual activities you're uncomfortable with or that hurt you.

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Please feel free to add to this list...

I thank you in advance for sharing of your thoughts, life, your values, and your own hearts.

I am going to add one right now.

How about? ...The withholding of love, or sex, or affection, only to cause pain.

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Relationships ~ What May Define

imagestolen from here

Good Morning.

I didn't write this, but I believe it bears much thought from all.

"I expect to pass through this world but once, any good, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now, let me not defer it, nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again" ~ Ettiene De Grellet

Ladies, daughters, mothers, and others; please truly THINK about each one before moving on to the next one.

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MEN

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· If a man truly wants you, nothing can keep him away.

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· If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

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· Stop making excuses for a man and/or his behavior.

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· Allow your intuition, (or spirit), to save you from heartache.

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· Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

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· Slower is better.

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· Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

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· If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend would not mistreat a friend in the first place!

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· Don't ever settle for less.

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· If you feel like he is stringing you along, he probably is.

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· Don't stay because you think "it will get better." (You will be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better).

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· The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

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· Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? (Not too responsible either).

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· Always have your own set of friends, separate from his.

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· Maintain your boundaries in how a guy treats you.

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· If something bothers you, speak up.

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· Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

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· You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

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· Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
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· Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

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· Never let a man define who you are.

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· Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

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· A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

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· All men are NOT dogs.

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· You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

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· You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

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· You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

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· Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

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· Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted.

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· Never move into his mother's house.

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· Never co-sign for a man.

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· Do NOT fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others who will give your heart and soul these things.

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Suffice it to say that one can learn a LOT from just hearing of anothers conversation...

And yes, it CAN, (and MUST), happily work BOTH ways.

Nuff said.

Have a good weekend.

XOXO
Anne
aka "Mama D."

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Wisdom Women Should Follow, from Oprah on Men...

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