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Good Morning... (Yes, it is still snowing)...
As promised, here is that proverbial can of worms...
I am hoping that you have an opinion for (and OF) me when you finish reading this all.
In advance I need to apologize for being in such a foul mood. (But to counter that, I only need to think of my children and grandchildren; and the "family" that I have)...
Yes, this is wordy, but where my children have the propensity of being hurt, there are never enough words...
This is my family...
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(Right from my living room wall)!
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Some of you have asked plenty of questions of myself; others have not. (Sadly a few who didn't bother to 'ask' have been terribly wrong within their assumptions)...
Please know that I would rather answer a question honestly, than to have anyone 'think' they might 'know' me; forego their questions, and be wrong enough to cause pain.
Now, (you know who you are)... Forgive me ma'am, for knowing that you have only lashed out because of the ignorance of your own assumptions. I shall try to correct that for you. Strangely it occurs to me that I am also "assuming"... But where you could not have been further from the truth, I am thinking what I have to say might be a bit more accurate.
Oddly enough, I have my own questions too.
I have been fighting the inane and assinine attitudes toward single parenting since my eldest was 3 years old, and my then husband decided to leave for Germany with his betrothed to escape his child support responsibilities. I only state this to give you a bit of background; surely now it would fail to be important for any other reason.
Me now... more backgound...
I am, PROUDLY, a single mother. My children have given me that pride; for I would not have it if not for their constant and abiding love.
Both of my parents are deceased. Having been adopted young, both of my birthparents ARE still alive and kicking; though not together. (Hey, they were 'together' for the most important day of my life; and that is all that matters).
I am thinking that there are plenty of single mothers out there who will care to share with me... their own experiences, their own thoughts and perhaps their own questions and answers.
Or perhaps you know a single parent family...
Or maybe you have a bit of both compassion and comprehension to offer.
I believe it was G.K. Chesterton that said the worst thing you can do is misunderstand what someone has written. (along those lines anyway)... Therefore, I hope you do not misread this; or not understand it as I mean it to be written.
And now the 'inspiration' for my post here...
I tried to stick up for a friend of mine who needs her sleep. That backfired when another person had responded, not knowing the 1st thing about me, and completely misunderstanding what I had said. I had simply explained that when people are sick, to send everyone to bed with a ziploc bag to put under their pillows so nobody has to be cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night. (Yes, I have done this nasty task more times than I care to remember, and have even tossed bedsheets because I had no more energy to deal with it all)... I did not have to be there to watch my children barf... Really I didn't; not after they had reached a certain age anyway. This does NOT make me a bad mother. (Crap, did I forget to mention that my bedroom was attached directly to the bathroom)???
And yes, I have "been there," repeatedly, for my grown children as they have been taken seriously ill.
This blog began because my friends daughter (17 years old), had woken up in the middle of the night with a 24 hr. flu~bug of sorts. She had used her cell phone to call her mother, (asleep with her husband in the other bedroom), to tell her she was going to be sick. I ('assumed' the family was well~off enough to have indoor plumbing. That established, I further) stated I would lay good money betting on the fact that if this girl had time to make the phone call, and then wait for the connection, then wait even longer for her mother to answer, and then through a conversation, (no matter how short), that she had MORE than enough time to get her backside to the toilet. (It was just a guess). Instead she woke her mother, asking her bring a wastebasket to her room. (It just seemed a little selfish, silly and disrespectful to me). I was told that the hubby would probably agree with me 100%, but that my friend did not.
But like I said though I have a few 'Q & A' of my own...
How hard is it to be a single mother? (This is usually the greatest question of all)..
It is neither hard nor easy. You do what you have to do; your family lives through it with plenty of prayer, humor, hormones and life. Because I have known no other way to raise children, I would have nothing to compare it to. With the exception of how I was raised by two parents. I tried to incorporate what both of my parents taught me then. ie: how I was raised. My parents while they lived helped me all they could; and so did my wonderful babysitter "Little Lisa" who practically lived with me to help me out at times.
My parents were born in 1912 and 1916... To say I was raised "old school" would be very accurate.
Was I ever beaten/abused by my parents? Absolutely not. Hindsight (and maturity) bringing a bit of wisdom, I did deserve every punishment I ever got from them. Whether I was backhanded, spanked, cussed out, grounded, slapped or kicked in the butt, I received only what was coming to me. (And to this day, I have YET to hear better sermons).
And so I was, and remain, motivated to keep trying to be a decent human being.
We were completely cherished and loved, but we were NOT ever molly~coddled.
When we fell down, we were told simply to "get up". Picking ourselves up, no matter how bloody our knees or elbows were taught us to stand on our own two feet.
When were were sick, we either saw a doctor for an RX, or we got better on our own. Honestly, I cannot recall even once expecting my mother or father to watch me throw up. (Nor did they ever offer to)!
My children got spanked when they were little. (Some a few times more than others).
Yet they have ALL grown into wonderful, self~sufficient, capable adults.
Does that mean that they do not "need" me now? Absolutely not. (I would like to think that sharing my own experiences with them on an adult level would account for much).
I believe that my parents taught me a deep and abiding respect for them. And yes, maybe I didn't always respect them as I should have; but you can bet your bottom dollar that I knew the consequences of my actions. (I believe this is where the elements of "respect" and "responsibility" are learned).
Much like science, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This applies to parenting as well. Good parenting anyway. (And no, I did not "beat" my children). Truth be told, 99.99% of the time, a simple "LOOK" from me worked just fine. hehehe
I have been known to make a mountain out of a molehill. That is just the way I am... (Perhaps this is one of those times, but my heart tells me otherwise).
Having had my daughters each go on their 1st dates/proms/dinners, I could imagine every possible scenario of any bad/good situation. I raised them to KNOW how to deal with those same scenarios too.
Was I tough? I was. I had to be; simply because I was the Mom and the Dad too. They never heard 'just wait til your father gets home' because after the divorce, he chose not to be involved in their lives. I never had the luxury of passing the buck on to someone else. (I would not have done so anyway).
I was their confidante, and I was their "heavy" too. I never backed down from a challenge, whether that challenge came from my children or their friends, or the neighbors kids, or the neighbors themselves. (But that's a whole 'nother blog)! hehehe
We had one telephone line, and one toilet. They learned patience, practicality and perseverance early on.
We are a team.
We are 'family.'
They all 'worked' too.
They knew how to vacuum, and to sort and DO laundry. They knew how to start the weedwacker and the lawnmowers. They knew how to shovel snow (and sometimes even had fun doing it). They were responsible enough to care for the dog and the cat. They knew what were weeds and what was a keeper in our gardens.
When they were younger, they were each given an alarm clock for the Christmas or birthday before they went to kindergarten.
They all knew how to read by the time they got to kindergarten, and yes, they all knew how to use their alarm clocks to make the very best use of their time in the bathroom, and each eating a hot breakfast before they got on the bus.
They all knew how to cook that same breakfast by the time they were 7 or 8. (My oldest knew how to cook that breakfast before she was old enough to even go to school).
Did they know how to take care of themselves? You bet they did; (and they still DO)!
As they grew, I always had my old medical reference books nearby, and any questions were then discussed, if/when they had any. From a very young age, they ALL read these books many times over. A little knowledge goes a long way.
As a single parent, I was always aware of how short life can be cut for some; and it was with that fear, if you will, that I raised my kids. (Losing my step~daughter last September has only reinforced what I already knew about life being short, and leaving small children behind).
What would have happened to my children had I died? Would they have been intelligent enough, kind enough, capable enough, and smart enough to carry on? I wanted to make sure that they were. (Know please, I am not "dissing" those of you with a spouse; I am only relating MY life). As a single parent with no other parent around, these are the questions that I needed to know the answers to should that have ever happened...
So was I hard on them? Probably more~so than most other parents; single or otherwise.
There is such a negative connotation that "parent~alone" cannot possibly raise decent, God~Loving, respectful, and responsible children... (Falling back on the love I received from my own parents, I would still move heaven and earth to dispel that notion).
With respect to my childrens hard work, successes, kindnesses and intelligence, we have since raised each other "right" ...(Thank you kids)!
Having been both mother and father; yes, I still cherish every single one of those Fathers Day cards that I have received over the years too! hehehe
Have I made mistakes? Of course I have. I am only human. But as we grow, we realize that the mistakes we make are our own learning experiences as well.
Have my children screwed up? Of course they have!
Do I love them any less for that? Of course not! (And yes, a note to the faithful, I know my own progeny hold no animosity toward my own screw~ups either).
In closing... (as you are wondering WHERE this is all going)... I would like to say that I received these words from an uninvolved 3rd party in response to how I handled my own barfy children... And I quote:
"I’m a Mom and I believe Mom’s are there to care for (your) kids.
That is the problem with the world today…
I think some just shove off the kids letting them be little adults.
Care for themselves… nope. So then we have a bunch of detached non-caring, no emotions types walking around."
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I cannot begin to tell you what an UGLY statement that is to me, and how very deeply it has affected me these past couple of days. Should my four children read these words, they will be hurt; and highly offended as well...
I just don't think that "detached" or "non~caring" and "no emotion" are adjectives that could possibly be used to describe MY children...
I am just wondering what everyone else thinks; and would welcome your input on this all.
Could this woman/mother possibly be right in her thinking about how to care for children?
I know I am not the very best mother around. I know that there are many that are much better (and sadly we all know of worse ones too). But I didn't think I was all that bad.
There is a time for pampering, and a time for allowing the child to care for themselves. What a rude awakening we would leave our children with as they go off to college, to live elsewhere etc etc etc ... What will they fall back on if their parents die?
Yes. I am their mother/father. I love each of my children "something awful" (But no, I am still not gonna watch them puke). Methinks there are much greater, and more important, ways to be needed anyway.
But that's just me.
Please let me know what YOU think just so I can put this one away.
Have a great weekend. (I am going to try to go back to bed for a while)...
XOXO
Anne
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PS
* If there are young men around, please know that your mother is not doing you any favors by coddling you if you have already reached puberty. And I know for a fact that there are at least 4 young ladies in this world that will have nothing to do with a Little Mama's Boy who cannot even make his own bed, clean his own laundry, or cook his own sensible dinner. At best, that is an archaic way of thinking. At worst? Hmmmm... (nope, NOT going there)...
(No I do not save jokes and fwd's). 
